For my LargeBoy This Time

I write so many things on this blog about or to SmallBoy, so this time, I thought it would be nice if I shared about the LargeBoy. He is heading to a teen retreat tonight, disguised as an overnight lock-in at the school. TONS of his friends that he hasn't seen since grade school, and tons of friends that he sees everyday will be there. Part of the retreat is that the staff wakes the students up at 4am (not like they've been sleeping at all), and gives them letters that have been sent to them by their parents. The parents are supposed to write about what the child means to them. Here is what I wrote to LargeBoy:

3/17/06

Dear LargeBoy-

I’m really not certain how to begin this – you have been such a strong force in my life.

You came into my life as a true blessing, and from that very first day, we began our roles as teacher and student. Most times we played both roles, switching from teacher to student – you teaching me how to love and care for you – my gift, and me teaching you how to grow and thrive.

Though you are now taller than I, this teacher/student role switching has not ended. You continually teach me how to be strong, especially at my weakest, most vulnerable times. You teach me how to see things from a different perspective. I continue to teach you how to grow into a responsible young adult – I hope.

I cannot begin to tell you how much it means to me to have you in my life. You ARE my gift. So many times you have helped me to be strong. You’ve held my hand and kept me from falling more times than you know. You’ve helped me stand up on my own two feet when it felt like Life had swept them out from underneath me. You have made me laugh and smile, and brought so much joy and happiness into all of our lives. For all of these things, I cannot thank you enough.

You are a wonderful son and an incredible brother. I love that my children love and respect each other, despite what’s written on the kitchen board. Your brother and sister look up to you, they watch and learn from you. So much of what they do, how they act, things they say…they all come from you. You support them just as you do for me, even if you don’t want to admit it.

You have been phenomenal with SmallBoy. I know that it’s hard sometimes to have a sibling who demands SO much extra and who, sometimes it seems, gets extra special treatment, bent rules, and exceptions to the rules. You know that I love just as much as I always have. I see you with him and, even when you don’t realize it, you’re helping him – when you make him be patient, when you wrestle with him, when you let him share his excitement over the comic he’s working on (he wants to be just like you, don’t be surprised when he wants his own video camera), or when you just sit and play video games or watch a movie with him; all those times, you’re letting him know that you love him. Your support for him in all of this unpleasantness with the weekends is wonderful. SmallBoy knows how much you love him. I can see it.

I promise I won’t tell, but you take great care of your sister, also. For that I am so grateful. You have been there for her, the only one she feels she can talk to, especially when she so desperately needs an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. You have been there to be the big brother and to giver her a hard time, and I know you’ll be there screening potential boyfriends, and protecting her from those who turn out to be jerks. You mean so much to her. I know she’ll never tell you that, because that would break the sibling code, but she truly loves and appreciates you – as do I.

PC….well, let me say, LargeBoy, that you and he are like two peas in a pod sometimes. It pleases me to see how much the two of you seem to feed off of each other and your shared interests and senses of humor. He thinks you are one of the coolest people he’s met. He has such a tremendous amount of respect and admiration for you. He knows how much you helped me after the divorce and he knows how much you are always there to help me out even now.

I know that sometimes it seems like I’m just being “the mom” and being mean or making you guys do things you don’t want to (yes, I know you’re making the “ “ with your fingers around “the mom”). I know that sometimes you may think I get a little too cranky or over emotional. I also know that you are growing into a wonderful young man (something I’m finding very difficult to deal with – that means I’m getting OLD). I know that sometimes it may feel like I expect too much, while other times it may seem like I’m slacking off. The one thing that I hope always stays the same for you is knowing how much I love you. You know how emotional music and lyrics can make me and I know you’ve seen me cry at this one, but it really is for you….

“Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you’re talking to the Man Upstairs
Just because he may not answer doesn’t mean he don’t care
Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.”

Come on, you know I’m going to put it in here….you can’t go back to sleep without it…..

How much do I love you?
Because you’re my….
And?
Especially…and…and….and….and…and….and…and….
Of course.

Love,
Mom