One Final Contest Note

The paper came out today covering the final round of the vocal competition. I was dreading it. It wasn't too bad, actually, it made me quite teary-eyed. Thanks, again, to everyone who came out...this is for you:

From today's Wednesday Journal article by John Rice:

"No one received more vocal support from the audience than MommyGuilt with her legions of fan screaming 'Tina,' MG took third place with her hand clapping version of 'Son of A Preacher Man."

Melting in the Midwest

HOLY Mother of Pearl!!!!!!!!!! Yes, it was HOT this weekend - uncomfortable, hard to breathe thick air, bad hair (gee, thanks Humidity), just being dressed makes you want to pass out, oh please let's go grocery shopping just so I can stand in the freezer section for a while, too hot to cook inside and too hot to stand over a grill outside, I love you truly but don't touch me cuz I'm all sticky and sweaty....getting my drift? UGH it was AAAWWWWWFUL! I don't have my window AC units in yet because, well, this is Chicago - it could snow tomorrow.

My longhaired Obnoxiously Cute Furball (OCF) was absolutely miserable. She is the younger and, usually much more energized of my two cats. She will pounce without provocation on Charley (OCF #1), do laps up and down the stairs, over the bed...you know, cat stuff. For the last three days, she hasn't moved except to voice her extreme discontent. I mean, her discomfort is like a human standing outside at high noon in the middle of the desert while wearing a full length fur coat - accessorized, of course with a fur hat, mukluks, fur lined gloves, and the biggest warmest scarf. Suffice it to say she was one pissed off kitty. She wouldn't touch her food, wouldn't play, wouldn't even move to a cooler spot unless we put her there ourselves. She was NOT amused. The only place she was even slightly content was on the cool tile of the first floor bathroom floor.

We were all miserable, cranky, and tired. It's amazing what a little heat and humidity can do to a person. By far, though, SmallBoy suffered the most. What I find interesting about the sensory issues that go along with his Asperger's is that he can absolutely tolerate the cold in the winter, we have to convince him sometimes to wear a coat; in the summer and the heat, TOTALLY different story. He feels it 100x more than any of us do. He can't focus at all, he gets irritated much faster, the overload comes on almost instantaneously. He becomes more tired than we do, but knowing that he "shouldn't" feel like that gets him worked up and he refuses to sucumb to that and just snooze for a bit. He was bored on Saturday, or maybe it was Sunday and asked to go to the park. It was scorching, so I tried to persuade him with other things - I even went so far as to offer him video game time (which he turned down...woo hoo!!!). So, off to the park we went. We had a riot. He ran up and down the sled hill, all over the soccer field, played on the equipment until he had had enough of the sun (about 20mins) and we went home. I suppose I was more than okay with that, not so much because of the heat, but because he had me crawling through the equipment, playing chase with the camera. He took that one of me.

This morning, back to school, was rough. The kids had Friday off also, so he had to readjust after a four day weekend. Yeah, that's a pain in the butt to begin with, but his was a long, busy, and sticky hot weekend. I woke him up at 6:45, like I always do. I woke him up at 6:50, like I always do. Usually he's up and getting dressed by then and is ready to give me a kiss by the time I leave at 7:10. Not today, but that's not usually anything to panic about. I woke him at 6:55, 7:00, 7:05, 7:07, 7:09, and on my way out the door. Nope. I talked to PC this morning and SmallBoy wanted nothing to do with waking up until 7:55 - 5 minutes before the bell rings at school. Needless to say, he was totally panicked and set his day down the wrong path. He seemed to be handling things a bit better this afternoon, and, by about 7:30, the temperature had dropped almost 20degrees. I'd bet it's in the upper 60's right now, low 70's. We just had a storm blow through, and the breeze is fantastic. He's tucked up in bed now. His new favorite way to sleep is in his sensory tunnel. I'll get a pic and post it for you next time.

Tonight, it has cooled. We walked into Girl's recital at 6:15, and in less than 45 minutes breathe again. The house is open and the breeze is the same refreshing feeling that comes with diving into an ice cold pool on a reallllllly hot day. The tensions, real or heat-induced, have all but vanished and it seems, once again like a nice calm end of May evening. The storms have passed, but with the weather conditions going back and forth, who knows what may spring up tomorrow. I think I'll take what I can get for now and be thankful for this welcome respite. I think I'll take advantage of this perfect sleeping weather and do just that....sleep.

And The Winner Is........

Not me. I placed third. Fortunately, the 2nd & 1st place winners were absolutely phenomenal and deserving of their awards. The contest was a huge exercise in trust, in stress management, and in learning lessons.

I went into last night with a poor choice of song for my vocals (had I had the Aretha Franklin version of the backing track to Son of A Preacher Man, I would have been able to breathe some more life into it, but alas - no time for what ifs), lack of preparedness (hell, I work full time and have a family to tend), and a big ol' hole where my confidence used to be, especially because I knew going into the evening that I was screwed on the song and that there was nothing I could do but give it everything I had (which by 6:00 yesterday, wasn't much). I came out devastated (oh you should have seen me - the oldest contest in ANY category bawling like one of the little kids), I came out feeling old, I came out feeling not good enough. I knew that my performance was just...UGH...I know that none of that is an issue, but I just really wanted to be mad and upset for a while. I'd like to blame the judging, but it wasn't that - my performance last night was SOOOOOOOO not worth first place, and it would have been terribly unfair to the other deserving contestants if I had won based on my previous performances and not this one (cuz they were REALLLLLY good).

My woes, sadness, and tears were all given a big reality check this morning when my boss called to see how I had done. I told her that I had come in third, and she told me that she was really proud of me, and she genuinely meant it. I've heard this same line from my family and friends too; the difference being, my boss was on her way for chemotherapy for a God-awful cancer that's tearing her apart. Talk about putting things into perspective. Yes, I may be 36 - very late in life as far as the music biz is concerned, I have a family that needs me - a little difficult to pick them all up and keep them on the road on a tour, and I have the rest of my life ahead of me. Yeah, the next few days will be tough, smiling, and telling everyone that I came in third, having my whole town, parish, and colleagues read in the paper that I didn't win as expected (even by the woman who was the head of the studio running the contest). I'll get by. I'll live another day. I'll stand with my head held high and the support and love of my family and friends. I'll go find another contest that will be more money so I can donate to Cure Autism Now and The Alzheimer's Association and my children's college fund. I'll go play with my band tomorrow night and rock the house. Life goes on.

Lots of hugs, loves and thank yous to my family and my friends who came out for me, who voted for me to get me as far as I did. PC & Girl - thank YOU for making me do this, for making me get past the fear and to just suck it up an do it. Thank you to PC, Girl, Large & SmallBoys for dealing with my freak outs, my unbelievable stress over song choices, wardrobe choices and MY meltdowns - I love you so much, I can't even put it into words. Mama - thank you for Gram, thank you for your love, your support, your push, your pep talks, your hugs. Dad - thank you for your song choice, for getting KR, for being there every single time, for your love and support and pep talks. Meem & Poppy - thanks for being there for me, for the love, for letting me be a big baby last night, for PC and all of the things you've given him to help him be such a wonderful man, for ET and raising him to be such a great guy to let me cry on his shoulder, to give me his famous pep talks. K & J - for, you know, WHATEVER! Snood, my other "daughter", thanks to you for coming to the rounds, voting for Pedro, cheering me up, and keeping me going. For YOU - my blogging buddies, thank you SO much for your support, your good vibes, your song suggestions, your comments - this stress is over, so I should have some more time to return to writing.

PC, my Love - thank you. Typed, it holds no feeling, but you know absolutely how much is there. SmallBoy - thank you for being SO incredibly patient and for your unending supply of hugs and for all of your "GO MOM!" yells. LargeBoy - thanks for your HUGE support, for your love, for your technological help, and for having so much faith in me. Girl - as you're heading off to camp this weekend, take my gratitude, my love with you. Thank you for being a cheerleader for me and for keeping PC sane after listening to all of my endless rants and freak outs. I know that I'm not saying nearly enough to all of you, but thank you most of all for believing in me and for your love.

NEXT!?!?!?!?!?!!?

A Two-fer

My older two children seem to finally be awakening to SmallBoy. I posted for you LargeBoy's paper on an "Aspergian Utopia", which he wrote for class after reading Curious Incident. Girl had a chance to do some extra credit for her English class (she didn't want "just an A"), so she decided to write a paper on Asperger's. She did the research - seriously, I have my own little library collected - and edited as much as she could to make it easy for her classmates to understand without putting in TOO much information. The second part of her paper talked about SmallBoy. I want to share that with you. She told me not to cry - and I didn't till the end.

My brother SmallBoy has Asperger’s Syndrome. Being his sibling can sometimes be easy and can sometimes be hard. It is hard to deal with him when he goes into a fit about the littlest things going wrong, especially when it is in school, or when I have to babysit him. It is also hard when I have to comfort him, and just do not know what to say.

Even though there are things that my brother does that are hard to handle, he also has some great qualities to him. My brother is one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. He can name all the EL stops down to the city, before we even get on the train. He can remember all the turns and streets we take to a certain person’s house.

Things to do to help people with Asperger’s are making routines and schedules, and sitting down and taking the time to explain things slowly to them so they understand. My brother needs to have the same routine every morning and every night, or else he gets upset. If there is a change made, you cannot just throw it at him, you have to tell him before hand. At times I have to explain even the smallest things to my brother over and over again so he can understand what I’m trying to tell him.

There is nothing wrong with having Asperger’s Syndrome or being Autistic. Some Autistic children can function exactly the same way that children who aren’t Autistic do. They can still go to school, they can still get a good job, and they can still play sports. I will admit, that yes, at times my brother can be a handful because of the Asperger’s, but he can also be the same annoying little brother everybody else has. I still have the same treatment of having to wrestle him to the ground or beat him up when he takes something of mine, or him tattling on me for doing something wrong. We still make fun of each other and call each other names. But we also have those great sibling times when we play games together, or when I give him advice on all the different teachers at school.

My brother has very unique characterisics to him. Some may say he’s weird. Some may say he’s a “cry baby” or that he has a weird imagination. But he is my brother and I admire him for everything that he has gone through and will still have to go through later on in life. I know that he is going to face many hard challenges later on, and I know that people will not know how to treat him the way he needs to be treated. Even though my brother is smaller than I am, I will always look up to him for being a strong, tough kid, and being a great example for all other Autistic children.

Isn't she amazing? Ok, ok, so now I have to share, a little egotistically, the blurb from the article in this week's local paper. I'll just share with you the part about ME (cuz, you know it IS all about ME....LOL), but if you want to see the entire article (no pics of me, of course), click HERE.

Web Posted 5/23/2006 10:00:00 PM
By JOHN RICE
Article :

FitzGerald's Main Stage will be the site when the "Danza Viva & Wednesday Journal Talent Search 2006" reaches its dramatic conclusion, as 12 performers in four categories face off in the finals. But the audience will not just be treated to great amateur performances. Danza Viva's One World Dance Theater will also take the stage. There's a cover charge of $10 per adult, $5 for children and the dancing and singing will kick off at 7 p.m.

"Talent Search 2006" began more than a month ago at FitzGerald's Side Bar. That night, contestants were hoping they'd survive the elimination rounds to return to the Berwyn nightclub. Only three made it in each of the four categories-Youth Dance, Youth Vocals, Adult Dance and Adult Vocals.

Among the survivors in Adult Vocals this past weekend was MommyGuilt. At 36, the Oak Park resident is also the oldest performer in the contest. When she's not working her day job, MG sings with her band Code West with husband PC on lead guitar. When MG performed in the semi-finals at La Piazza's jazz club, Sotto, PC made the mistake of leaving his seat. The club was so packed he found himself standing the rest of the afternoon.

MG thrilled the Sotto audience with her bluesy voice on "The Chokin' Kind," a song selected by her father. "The crowd was insane," MG said, "and the venue was wonderful." The judges thought MG was wonderful, citing her "confidence and conviction." They loved how MG made the song her own.

Singing solo is quite a bit different for MG than fronting a band. "There's a sense of urgency," she said. "You really have to bring it. There's more leeway with a band; you don't have to showcase your voice."

During auditions, MG showcased her voice on "The Star Spangled Banner," a song she had also done at U.S. Cellular Field. Later, at Slaton's Supper Club, she raised the room temperature with "At Last," an Etta James number. "It was quite an experience," MG said. "Nothing compares to it. Not even the White Sox game." She wasn't just excited by the crowd's reaction, she was happy that the black dress she wore cost only $5.

MG has been singing the blues since she soloed on "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do" in fourth grade. Although singing is a hobby, she'd like to make a career out of it. As for the contest, "I could use the money, but I'm in it for fun."

So the last paragraph is a little..um...well, wrong....I sang "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do" when I was, like 4 or something, and it was into a microphone my parents had to record into their 8-track player (somewhere I have that tape and have to get it converted). In the fourth grade, I did my first solo, but it was a Christmas song which I performed in my yellow robe, slippers, and stuffed Mickey Mouse. If you look at the article itself, the writer only used my first name once - the rest of the time I was always called by my last name - much to the delight of my dear friends K & J Whatever. Also, I did say I could use the money, but I'm in it for the exposure - hell, I ain't getting any younger! Win or lose tomorrow night, I can't wait for this to be over. I need to sleep!

HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life has been crazy lately and I've had NO time to write, though I've thought about it. I've been totally focused on the kids and their activities, oh, yeah, and this vocal competition (I found out yesterday I made it to the finals!!!!! This Thursday night at Fitzgerald's in Berwyn - 7:00pm, $10cover for adults, $5 for kids under 12. COME ON OUT if you're around!) I thought I'd try and recap and catch everyone up on the boys, the girl, and...well, I just caught you up on me. I've tried to take lots of photos to keep you posted. Some, unfortunately, are still in my camera, but I'll get to those later. These are the ones I REALLY want you to see. LargeBoy - yes, he gets to be first. He finally got a haircut! Woo hoo! He was hoping for a simple trim and to keep the length - cuz, you know, he's in high school now. He came home and hid from the camera for days, until I managed to sneak this candid photo of him playing guitar at a family party. We gave him grief, though, when he came home from getting it cut. With the shape of his face and the way he had his hair combed, he looked like Jim Carey's character in Dumb & Dumber.

Girl, in all her softball glory, played her butt off this weekend. She had a tournament Friday night, Sat & Sun. She missed Friday night's game for "the last dance" of the school year, and then was out at the tournament - about 45mins away - by 8:00 Sat morning. They played 4 games ( I think), and we finally made it there for the last game. We won in three extra innings. The games were set for a one hour-15minute time limit. We were tied at 7:00 (regulation), so we had to use international tie-breaker rules - batting team gets one runner and one out. We held them , and they, us, for the first extra inning. They brought in two runs in the next inning, so did we . They had to turn the lights on at the ball field, as it was closing in on 8:00. Thankfully, we held them, and then we scored! WOO HOO! What did winning that game do for our girls? Secured the 8:00am time slot for the next morning - add to that the required hour early arrival. Yep, these poor girls- out in the sun playing softball ALL day, then having to be back by 7:00am the next morning. And Girl wasn't done, we still had a family party to attend. The pic behind the plate is obvious, but in the other, she's playing short. I consider these "action shots" for her for softball....

SmallBoy.....HE had an incredibly busy and WAY overstimulated, and over scheduled weekend. Friday night, we all just hung out and had some friends over to play music. SmallBoy LOVED that. He got to stay up a little later, listen to music, play. He was happy. Saturday, he snoozed until probably 9:30 or so - and for SmallBoy, that's LATE on a weekend. After he got up, he listened to his discs for his listening therapy, hung out, watched some tv, and then he and PC got to work on their next Cub Scout project - the Raingutter regata. Similar to the Pinewood Derby, this is a race, only it involves racing a "sailboat" powered only by the boy's air down a length of gutter. The boys can either blow directly on the sail, or through a straw, but the use of hands is a big no-no. The boats are very light weight and only allowed to be sanded - no cutting. I'll have more pics for my next post - those are the ones still in the camera.

After finishing the boat, we headed out for Girl's softball game - the first part of our afternoon/evening. SmallBoy went and hung out, cheered for his sister, climbed trees (isn't that just THE best pic?), and had TONS of fun - until we went into extra innings. I had mistakenly told him the game would be over by 7:00 (silly me - extra innings are always a possibility), so we had to work on an exercise geared towards "being flexible". He was hungry, it was starting to drizzle, and he wanted to get to the party. Eventually we got there, and he ran around with Princess and the other kids, toasted marshmallows, played hide & seek, and was so NOT ready to leave when it was time to go home. He hid. We freaked, but all was well. Home and off to bed. Sunday, boat race, mom's competition. LONG DAY. It was well past lunchtime when we got done with the race and left directly for the competition. We knew it was an Italian place, so we figured that even if the menu was not kid-friendly, we could still manage a plate of pasta - nope. Thankfully, PC was able to get them to pour us milk for him - he hates pop, the carbonation makes his sensory issues scream. He was hungry, it was crowded, it was unorganized, it was loud, he couldn't sit with me. Poor guy. PC, my love, my saving grace, let SmallBoy wrestle with him for most of the competition - pile drivers, wrestling, dogpiles, steamrollers...SmallBoy was in heaven. That PC of mine - he's awesome.

And my poor poor baby goo-wah (baby girl, in Girl speak, when she wants to be a wittoow goowah). She fell asleep at the family party. Sitting in front of the bonfire, with PC's jacket under her head, she wouldn't leave the party spot. We offered her a room inside, but she wanted to hang with us. Poor sleepy Girl - and she was up at 5:00am the next morning. Oh yes - they went all the way out there, got up super dooper early to be at the tourney by 7, lost, and were home by 10. It was a blessing in disguise, though, because she and I were both disappointed that she would have to miss my competition. Her loss got her to my win. Since it was Girl and PC who convinced me to enter (threatened to enter me if I didn't do so myself), it was very important to me that she was there. Love you Sweet Pea!

So, enough about me...how are all of YOU?

Mother's Day 2006

Happy Mother's Day!!!!! I am certain we'll all be busy doting on our children and OUR mothers to be posting tomorrow, so I thought I'd post today. Every mother deserves a big standing ovation (at the very least) for doing the most difficult, yet most rewarding job in the world. We receive no monetary payments for our job, our only chance for advancement is to "grandmother", but the love, caring, happiness, joy, satisfaction, and mommy-moments we are given in return are the best payment in the world - especially when they come in the form of, "Mommy, I love you."

Many of you moms out there have help in the form of a second parent, many do not, and are doing BOTH jobs. I salute ALL OF YOU. I have done both and both demand just as much from us. Phenomenal Women - yes, that's exactly what I call each of you.

I am so happy that PC has such a hard time holding on to gifts until it is time to give them. If he could hold out, then I wouldn't have gotten this beautiful bracelet - from Meem - until Sunday, instead, I got it Thursday! I am so excited to now have my very own autism awareness bracelt, made by A Ray of Hope, Autism Awareness Jewelry. Please check out the site, you'll love it! It was a wonderful gift and, of course, I cried. I think what really got me, though, was that SmallBoy knew - sort of - what it was. Meem, fabulous MIL that she is, had remembered that way back in November I had put an awareness bracelet on my birthday wish list, but it was just that - a wish list. What a truly meaningful gift this was and I am so happy. I will wear it always. I urge all fo you to please go and check out the site. The more aware we make people, the more that can be done AND the less ignorance there will be about autism. Oh, SmallBoy took the picture for me. He did a great job. He is so very proud that his mommy has this bracelet - and he knows that it is for HIM. Love him to pieces.

I wanted to delve into the listening therapy I spoke about the other day. Listening therapy looks like this. Headphones, a portable CD player (ours has a little waist pack so SmallBoy can be "hands-free"), and whatever else your child wants to do. SmallBoy listens in the morning before he gets out of bed and again, in the afternoon or evening doing whatever he wants. Sometimes he'll just hang out on the sofa and listen, sometimes he'll hop on the computer, other times, he'll listen while he's doing his homework. We changed discs on Monday at our last OT session. This time, J gave us a Mozart disc to help with modulation. I LOVE this one...of course, I love Mozart. SmallBoy, on the other hand, isn't too keen on it, which is surprising, because our musical tastes are very similar. Perhaps it is in the placement of the frequencies. On the last disc, the frequencies were very obvious, and on this disc, they're very subtle - placed in trills, violins, flutes, etc. I never had to remind him to listen to his music when we had the first disc, but this one takes a little prodding. We go back to OT on Monday. I'm curious as to what J will have to say about SmallBoy's lack of interest towards this disc. It doesn't seem to be having an adverse effect on him, though. I am noticing the same calmness, connection, etc, that I saw with the last disc. I am very eager to see the results of the whole program.

My mama and me! I'm sorry Mama - I know you'll hate the pic, but I would be remiss if I didn't post a pic of the two of us and our "better sides" tee hee tee hee...This pic was taken at the vocal competition last weekend. My Mama has always been there for me - whenever I've needed her. She has held my hand, she has cheered my on, she taught me how to walk - again - after life brought me down to a crawl. She has been my bodyguard and my safety, my cheerleader, my conscience, sometimes, even, my devil's advocate. I am truly lucky, blessed, and every other word under the sun to be my mother's daughter.

Meem - I have NO pics of you and me :-( . I must make it a point to get some! Not only do I have a wonderful mother, but I have the great fortune of having an incredible mother-in-law. Wow - that doesn't happen to many people (and, Mom, PC says the same of you). A good mother-in-law is hard to find, but one who is so loving, giving, selfless, generous, compassionate, and supportive is a treasure. I couldn't have been luckier!

My loves - my Mother's Day. I love them so much and cannot get over the joy they bring into my life. They have taught me so many lessons. One would think it is the parent who is the teacher, but truly, it is the children. They have taught me strength, discipline, how to love deeper than I ever thought possible. They have taught me defensive and offensive strategies. They have taught me generosity, humility. They have taught me how to live. My loves, how much do I love you? More than any little......

To all of YOU - mothers AND dads -I hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day this year.

Formal Invitation for YOU

WOW!!!! I never thought I would get this far! If you've been following the Wednesday Journal articles starting with the May 10th article or the wonderful emails from my loving husband, then you are aware of this vocal contest in which I am competing (at the urging of my family - who, by the way, threatened to enter me if I wouldn't enter myself).

The final elimination rounds were held this past weekend, ours in a very fan-packed Slaton's Supper Club (so packed, in fact, the police had to come and stop the contest until a better seating arrangement was, well, arranged). I competed with 12 other fantastic vocalists, and, with the exception of one contestant, I was the only one well over the age of 16.

To a very crowded room, and with the judges sitting less than 2feet away, I performed, "At Last," by Etta James. I was exhilirated when, in mid-song, I realized that even I had stopped breathing in amazement at what was happening. According to my adoring husband, and my family and friends, the whole room stopped breathing. Even with the hoots, hollers, hoorays, the standing "O", and the wonderful comments from the judges, I still was not convinced that my performance would advance me to the semi-finals.

I finally exhaled yesterday when the call came in confirming my inclusion among the 6 contestants selected from 13 to move on to the semi-final round. From this round only 3 will be chosen to move on to the finals. I will be competing with a phenomenal group of singers, including the young man who won the "Chicago Idol" contest. They are all incredible.

75% of our scoring comes from the panel of judges - all of whom are very talented and successful in their fields of performance. The other 25% comes from YOU!!!!!! My friends and family, I need your support. Your votes count! "How can I vote," you ask? The contest rules state that all those who attend the competition can vote for their favorite 3 performers. I would greatly appreciate your support and your votes.

The next competition is Sunday, May 21 4:00 in the jazz club at La Piazza, 410 Circle Ave in Forest Park (they are having a special $8 Tango-tini's). If you can be there, I would love to see your face and have your support. I would urge you to get there EARLY, as it WILL be crowded. The doors open at 3. You will be my favorite aunt, friend, choir director, cousin, sister, father, brother-in-law, blogger, etc...if you come!

#300!!!!! HOLY COW!!!

OH MY GOD! This is my 300th post! I'd like to go on and ruminate about all of the posts, the people, the comments, the ideas, the love, the "family", but we do that all that time. Instead, I'll answer the most common question about the previous post:

What's with the SmallBoy and the bottles?

Every year, the music teacher does a project with the class wherein they have to invent a certain type of instrument. In the past, they've been instruments you pluck, instruments you make vibrate. This time around, they were charged with the task of creating an aerophone - an instrument through which the sound is created by blowing into it (air passing through it). We opted for a panpipes kind of instrument, with a little variance. We had a few bottles with nothing worth saving (or drinking) in the bottom, so we washed them, peeled the labels, stuck them together with duct tape, and filled each one to a different level...we actually managed to get the two larger ones in tune with each other. In the picture, he was showing off his completed project - decorated with dandelions, glitter glue, and a "few" stickers. We haven't gotten the feedback from the teacher yet, but WE sure thought it was cool!

The next most asked question in the last post's comments was about the listening therapy. The label on the disc case says "Vital Listening". SmallBoy has OT tonight, so I'll see if I can find out anymore info or get a website for you. It's really been a wonderful thing for him. We will be switching to a new disc today, and I'm curious to see the family's different reactions to it again - particularly Smallboy's, of course. Update: I talked to J, the OT extraordinaire, tonight about the music. We use the Vital Links Therapeutic Listening Program. There are different CDs for dysregulation, disconnection, modulation, spatial awareness, and after that, there is a basic core program. Click here to go to the Vital Links site. There is also another program in which the protocol is laid out called The Listening Program - I don't have

Hmmm, let's see...oh yes, contest....Etta James, apparently was a showstopper - that's what PC, my mother, my father, and my friends tell me. I don't want to tempt fate, so I'll wait and see if the phone call comes in the next few days, then I'll tell you how I felt about it. I'll keep you posted. I really really will need song ideas, though, so ANYTHING you think would be able to top that song and come in under 3 1/2 minutes would be most helpful. Smackwater Jack I would LOVE to do, and we do it with the band, except they put this caveat on us - it has to be "appropriate for family enjoyment"...RUDE (no, just kidding - I don't think the part about what happens after Jack goes shopping would go over well with the judges).

Almost time to go home and start my rushing around - what would life be without 12 places to be after work? My desk is covered in paperwork and resumes, so I'd best clean up before PC arrives to pick me up. Oh I hope he has SmallBoy with him! I will post again tonight or tomorrow about the listening therapy!

One Sport, Two Therapies

Ahhhh......life is somewhat "normal" again - if you can call it that. Things have been beyond crazy and stressful lately, so much so, that I haven't had time, or the urge to write - (UGH! That's so sad). Most of my stressors seemed to have temporarily leveled off for a bit thanks to some help from family and some HUGE miracles (98% family). Additionally, Girl is down to ONLY ONE SPORT!!!!!!! HOORAY!!!!! Volleyball is officially over and it's just softball now. I was hoping to have some pictures for you from this past weekend, but her tournament got rained out - 45 degrees and 7 hours of rain are NOT conducive for softball.

SmallBoy is truly starting to make some noticeable progress. I am noticing it and I see him everyday. Know how when you don't see someone for a long time, it's quite obvious if things have changed? Like a baby growing - you don't notice the gradual changes of your own child because you see him every day, but others will notice from one visit to the next. Same thing with this and SmallBoy. The growth, the strides, the maturity, the improvements that I have begun to see in him are absolutely astounding. He is using manners, he is not melting as much, he gets it when I tell him WHY something is not the way he likes it or in HIS grand scheme. Part, I'm certain has to do with the fact that WE are working as a unit, a complete unit. Ex, well, he doesn't even come to OT for his fleeting 20minutes anymore. When SmallBoy goes to visit for his alloted few hours, it's similar to a child tagging along with Mom and Dad to visit one of their friends. The rest of his successes I credit to his OT & his therapist.

J, his OT, has started, in addition to the physical aspects of his OT sessions, a listening therapy that he does at home. He listens to this funky music through headphones - one speaker has the melody playing softly, faintly almost, while the other speaker has these varying frequencies running through it. He listens 30mins/day 2x/day. The disc he is working with now is to help him with his disconnection. As SOON as he began listening for the first time at J's office, the change in him was apparent. His breathing slowed and he became calm and relaxed. He wasn't in meldtdown mode, or even high energy mode, but just a little extra energy. The effect of this musica was instantaneous. PC listened to it also and it had the same impact on him. Personally, I couldn't stand the music. There were frequencies that just made me think of going to the dentist and did the complete opposite for me - there was no relaxation. What mattered, though, and what is truly important are SmallBoy's reactions. WOW - that's all I've got to say, WOW! His behavioral thrapist has us working very short social stories with him to help explain the rules at dad's house vs the rules at mom's - how even though they may SEEM different, they are, ultimately, the same. These are still in the drafting stages, but look to be promising.

In his English Lit class, LargeBoy(REALLLY old pic, he'll HATE this one, he still has braces in this pic) just finished reading Curious Incident. LargeBoy was surprised and, at the same time comforted, to find out that there are many others - just within his class - who have Aspie sibs. Can you imagine what he'll do when he realizes the numbers of students in the entire high school with Aspie Sibs? For the paper on the book, the class had to write about an "Aspergian Utopia". He, of course, used his brother as his model. I felt compelled to share this with you. As a mother and a grammar geek, it was difficult for me to not edit, but I left it for content.

Utopia

People with Aspergers Syndrome are tough to deal with. They need certain thing in the right order and they act as if it would be the end of the world if they went near something that they don’t like. But it is not their fault. I know this because my little brother has Aspergers Syndrome. He can get upset just by taking a different way to school in the morning. But there are things that make him really happy also.

My brother gets angry very easily. When our living room was painted red, he got mad and said he didn’t like it. My mom then said to him “It will eventually grow on you”. My brother then thought that the paint would grow on his skin and he freaked out. But my mom has my brother do a number of things to make him settle down. And I think this would be his own little Utopia. It would be large and open, probably staying the same color. He would be the all-seeing ruler, where anything that was about to change had to be aproved by him first. People that are mean and don’t have much of an imagination probably couldn’t come in, or people who would try and hurt andyone. But one of the main atractions would be video games.

My brother loves video games. Unless you pull him away, he probably won’t leave. And if he’s not playing video games, he’ll be watching a movie. But not just once, he’ll watch it three or four times and catch and memorize every little thing. Ocassionally he might read a book or two, but he’ll probably stick with the games and movies. But one thing I know he would have would be a room with a giant trampoline. Jumping is like a sport to my brother. He has his own little mini trampoline in the back yard for him to jump on if he is to excited or needs to settle down a bit. This gets him tired and more relaxed.

My brother would only let select people in to his Utopia. He would probably let his entire family in, his closest friends, and lots of animals. But my brother would also have a button or something. This button would be used to bassicaly send every one out of the Utopia at any time. He might do this for fun, if he just wants to be alone, or if he is mad at someone in the Utopia. He would also have his music playing. The music that he would play is almost as bad and evil as hell itself but he likes it. It is Kidz Bop. He (like every other kid) loves this music because it is sung by other kids. My brother would also have main food supply come from the Ramen Noodle Company. My brother eats at least two packages of Ramen Noodles a week.

This is what I think my brothers Utopia would be like. I don’t know that this is 100% right because it is all in his head not mine. But since I have lived with him for the past nine and a half years, I have a pretty good idea.

As for me (and PC), we're exhaling again. I'm feeling a lot more relaxed and he's right there holding my hand, as always (Thanks, My Love). This weekend is round two of the vocal contest. I will be singing "At Last", by Etta James. From this group of 13, we will be narrowed down to 6 for the semi-finals...EEEEEEKKKKK. If I make it though that round, I'm going to need some help finding another song...one that will out-do Etta AND be under 3 1/2 minutes (so if you've got some suggestions, you know how to hit the comment button - or send me an email). Oh, and the pic.....I realized I hadn't posted one from the band's gig at Fitzgerald's last week (or week & 1/2 ago), so here ya go! (Just for the record, my 13y/o daughter scolded me for going out of the house "dressed like THAT!!!")

Hmmm...Why has MG Been MIA This Week Again?

I'm floored by how much time I used to have for blogging....I'm lucky, now, if I can get to my computer before midnight, or if I can sneak some "illegal time" in on the computer at work. Between all of that, the various sports, OT, rehearsals, gigs, and "alone time" with PC, I've run out of time. My band played at Fitzgerald's in Berwyn this weekend and it was fantastic. We debuted an original song written by PC and a very good friend of his, JK. PC and I joined forces for a duet on Johnny Cash's "Jackson" and rocked the house. The band was AMAZING. We've got some great video, too. Hopefully I can find a way to get it uploaded - THAT would be cool. I'd LOVE for you, who aren't in this area, to have the opportunity to see us.

This was a weekend filled with singing. If I haven't written about it, I'm participating in this local talent search contest. I auditioned the day before I got my teeth pulled, passed that, and moved on to the first elimination round which was on Saturday. There were 24 total participants, broken into two groups. The first group competed the previous Thursday evening. Our group went Saturday afternoon. There were many high school aged kids competing (all of whom could hold their own, I must say), and of the "older" crowd, I was surprised to find that I was the youngest...there was a woman who is 41 and a gentleman who is 47; I felt a little better, to say the least. I had a scary performance of "Broken Wing" by Martina McBride, but apparently, I was the only person who thought it was scary. I got the call Monday afternoon that I was chosen to advance to the next round. WHEW! I was also fortunate enough to be the picture on the article written about the competition. Click here to read the article - my name's not in it, but I think the picture says it all.

The next round will be held on Saturday, May 6 at Slaton's Supper Club in Oak Park. For those of you in town, 25% of my total score comes from audience members' votes. If you can be there, the contest starts at 1:00, the place is small-ish, so seating is limited, but WOW, I'd LOVE to have you there!

SmallBoy is doing very well, btw. His OT started a listening therapy with him. This involves CDs with varying frequencies that he listens to 2x/day, 30min/time. It hurts my ears, and LargeBoy's ears, but it seems to relax SmallBoy and PC - we'll have to try it on Girl and see what she thinks. Ex is still a moron. He has completely stopped coming to OT, even for the 20 mins or so that he used to come. He's not shown any intention whatsoever of bringing SmallBoy back into his house anytime soon, but ya know...he's a ....well, a word that's not suitable for public consumption.

Well, that's where we are for now. Check out the article and the pic. If you're in town, I would so very much love to have you there. I entered this contest at the urging of PC and Girl who, had I not acquiesced and sent in the entry form, would have sent it in for me. I have a couple of friends who would have done the same. Hugs & Kisses to all of you. Miss you tons!

What's Going on in MG Land

Hi everyone - I hope everyone's holidays were wonderful. It poured here in Chicago for Easter, but that was fine, we were all busy inside stuffing our faces and enjoying our family. The second round of Spring Break, for Girl & SmallBoy this time, is beginning to draw to a close, but began with a bang. Girl ended up getting into a bit of trouble with her friends and losing all of her privileges over break - heh heh heh...ok, so I shouldn't chortle, I've been grounded for a month once, it stunk. That same day, however, SmallBoy and Princess went into the city with PC & ET and had a blast! They went to Millenium Park, saw "The Bean" (for those of you outside of this area, I'll post a pic later, but suffice it to say The Bean is a seamless structure, covered in a reflective metal, shaped like a kidney bean...you have to see it), walked around, had a picnic, climbed the trellis (a family tradition from MY family which I'm so happy to have shared with PC's family), and came home exhausted but exhilirated. Now THAT's a great way to start a break! Girl went to the White Sox game (only because the other parent had already spent money on the tix), and that was that.

This week has been busy with OT, psychologists, cub scouts, softball practices, rehearsals for my band's gig tonight at Fitzgerald's (if you're in town, come on over!!!). INSANITY I TELL YOU! Lots of discussion with Smallboy's therapist, but that is for another post altogether, but I will sum it up with this: We all agreed that Ex has no plans to come around to acceptance and reality anytime soon and that the goal now is to find the best ways to help SmallBoy handle this. This, we will accomplish in many ways, as there are SO many people who love and adore SmallBoy and are willing to help us out!

I've missed you all so much! My mouth is pretty much better, still some jaw pain, but only on the right side - it'll kill after tonight's gig, though. Tomorrow morning I have to work at 8 (UGH, after a late night singing...), then off to a vocal competition (come out to Molly Malone's in Forest Park and vote for ME please, if you're around 1:00 Saturday - tomorrow!!!!), then off to sing at church for 5:00 mass, then, on to a wedding reception - OY!!!!! I'm exhausted - you?

I'm dying to catch up with all of you and I promise I'll swing by and read as soon as I can. Miss you Miss you Miss you!!!

Playtime With Peeps

As I drove down the roads, abandoned of their usual morning traffic, I was, the only sorry sap heading in to work today. I needed comforting, so I turned on the radio and was listening to the morning DJs discussing, what else, Peeps! I knew there would be no channel surfing, I was staying tuned in, not touching that dial - no way, nu hunh, no sirreeee Bob! Last year I had done a Peeps post (if I manage to figure out where it is in my archives I 'll link it for you), so I listened to see if there was going to be something fun.

As I expected, there was talk of the Peeps explosion - both in terms of their marketing and how they are no longer just for the Easter Holiday anymore, but for any and ALL holidays, and, well, for those of you familiar with exploding Peeps in the microwave, that would be the other meaning. My family is full of Peeps Geeks. They will let them get stale because they're not "in the mood for all that sugar", but then when they dive in, they pop them in the nuker to "soften them up". This led to exploding Peeps, and now it's a tradition in the MommyGuilt Household.

The chatter and chuckling kept streaming through the radio as they further discussed the highs and lows of Peeps (yes, the sugar highs and lows). Then THE caller called.

"Have you ever heard of Peep jousting?"

You can imagine the squeal of laughter coming from my wide open car (it's going to be 80 degrees today!) when the caller explained the "sport". I MUST preface this with a WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME, CAN START A FIRE!!!!! Here is the premise for the "game," if you will: Place two Peeps on a plate and "arm" each with a toothpick (for jousting, of course). Pop them in the microwave and watch as they expand. Whichever "player" expands far enough to jab his opponent first, wins.

I was almost doubled over my steering wheel laughing SO hard! It made it MUCH easier to come into the office today! Have you done anything unusual with YOUR Peeps?

Cast Your Votes for an Amazing Woman

I have come to realize what a HUGE resource the blogosphere is. TONS and TONS of people who are willing to help you out at the drop of a hat. This comes in very handy when you need support...or VOTES! A friend of mine, Veronica, is one of 10 finalists in the Swiffer Amazing Woman of the Year contest and she needs YOUR VOTES!!!! She truly IS an amazing woman, but I'll let you read all about her when you click here. She needs YOUR VOTES! I would tout her praises, but her story tells it all! Go read! GO VOTE! I thank all of you for your participation....and I KNOW that if Veronica could thank each of you personally, she would do the same!

I Did It

I'm very pleased to tell you that I went through with it, I didn't wuss out like I thought I would...I got my wisdom teeth pulled on Friday. I am back at work today with a large sized bottle of Ibuprofen in my drawer, rolls & jello in the fridge for lunch. I forgot my ice pack though, but I can grab some ice from the freezer if I need it.

No major swelling, at least not of chipmunk proportions. I have stitches in my mouth that feel like I've got food stuck in my teeth - it's making me batty!!!! Head is POUNDING! Everyone keeps saying I should have taken the pain pills before I came to work, but that would have knocked me on my butt - either that or I'd be puking all morning from taking it on an empty stomach. I'll live, though, I'm a big girl.

The instant relief of NOT having those teeth in my mouth is amazing. Everyone took great care of me this weekend. PC treated me like I was a queen, and the poor thing is coming down with something nasty, himself. SmallBoy spent Friday night and Saturday at GR's house (cuz it was a weekend for Ex). They made me a giant bowl of jello, some homemade bread, and some homemade cinnamon rolls...making of the bread from scratch was actually really good OT for SmallBoy. I didn't see much of Girl and LargeBoy. When I got home from the appointment on Friday I was rather, well, hazy. I know they were there, I remember talking to them and probably telling them and asking them the same thing over and over. Being teenagers, though, they had "stuff to do" after returning from Ex's house.

I'd much prefer to not be at work today, but I don't feel like spending another non productive day at home. If I'm going to have a day off of work this time of year, I'd prefer to be doing fun things like gardening or going to a WHITE SOX game! Right now, though, my head is pounding and I should probably TRY to get some work done - "try" being a very very key word there! I have a feeling that I'm going to be in a lot of pain after spending the day on the phone - might have to have some pain pills later - ICK! So, happy Monday to all of you!

The Garden Jones

I love owning my own home - even with all of the issues of fixing this and replacing that and plumbers and contractors and electricians (ok, headache now) - but it's this time of year, for the last two years that my heart breaks and yearns for my old house. It was a 3 flat that my former in-laws owned. Even after my divorce from Ex, I lived there (for a disguting pittance of a rent, really nice). The yard and garden were MINE. I had total control. When I was going through my phase of really hating my marriage and pondering the divorce, I relandscaped the entire garden - nothing fancy schmancy, but I did it and it was beautiful. I had a grand design in mind that would require years of care and patience and love, but it was MINE. I started under the lilac bushes (grown into trees) with, what I lovingly deemed Daffodil Hill. A friend of mine owned a gardening business and so I ordered all of my bulbs through her. I loaded this mound of dirt with several varieties of daffs, knowing that they would be fruitful and multiply over the years. I wonder what it looks like now.... I can just imagine...I don't remember all the names, but yellow on yellow daffs, white with pink daffs, white on white with frilly fringe daffs..never particularly fond of orange on yellow, but that was just me...OH I'm jonesin'!

To the right of Daffodil Hill, I had a rose arbor on which I was growing clematis. I know I thought about starting a climbing rose on the other side, but I don't recall getting around to it. ANYWAY, I had a little walkway through it along which I had teeny tiny little species tulips. If you're not familiar, they look kind of like pointy crocuses. Itty bitty little tulips. The images in the picture above are mayyyyyyybe 6 in. high. Most of the ones I had were this color, but I had some that were a fuschia with a purple stripe (where the red is in this picture). They were so dainty and petite. I had planted some in the front yard, too, around my tree, and as a border in my front garden. The downside was that with their size, they tended to get trampled - but they were really pretty while they lasted.

My pride, was my roses. I only had a few bushes and one or two climbers, but I LOVED them. They never failed me and did not require the gazillion hours of upkeep and maintenance that I hear people talk about. I fed them, but not traditional rose food...oh, sure, every once in a while I would spoil them with some miracle grow but mainly, a big ol' bulb of garlic planted at the base at the beginning of every season and then, again, about half way through the season. It kept the bugs away, it kept my roses happy. OH...and I fed them banana peels. LORD did they love banana peels...maybe that's why LargeBoy has such a distaste for them, because I made him eat so many so I could have the peels! LOL My roses made me happy, gave me a sense of calm and serenity. Taking care of them, watching new buds spring up, pruning them....I loved them so!

TULIPS!!!! Wherever I could place them I planted. I have a special place in my heart for tulips. They ARE spring. They are new life. They are sunshine. They are happiness (good grief, I'm starting to sound like a cheezy 70's song). I could never have enough tulips and I never really got to the ones I wanted. I had, in the front of my house, 30 or so tall pure white tulips with the pretty fringe edges - not the parrot kind, nothing gaudy , either, but a pretty fringe. I had planted these on - get this - New Year's Day (keep in mind I live in Chicago). They were phenomenal. It was a beautiful little pond of white and green. Someone on my block had taken a picture of them and had given it to me. It now sits in a frame in my living room over my piano (a true place of honor). I had a great many tulips, but only the basic ones. My grand scheme was to build my garden with early to late blooming tulips, short to tall and sleek and, ultimately, to get some of the gorgeous, elegant, black tulips and the deep deep purple ones. Never got there, though.

I have a garden that I "developed" at my new house. I dug up the ground,killed the grass around the area, dug up the walking path. I transplanted what I could from my old place, including my rose arbor. Sadly, roses don't transplant well, so I had to leave them behind. My friend transplanted some things from her garden as she readied her house to put on the market - she brought me some GORGEOUS daylillies, some bearded irises, and a few other goodies. I've got my stepping stones in place, I've got clematis, I'm grooming a new climbing rose, planted some baby narcissus....but it's not the same. My garden cannot thrive. The soil is different because of our location (in the same neighborhood that was home to a petroleum plant many decades ago), PLUS, my spigot doesn't work. No, not a simple fix either (why would it be). When I moved into my house, it was on the coldest day of the year - I believe it was a record low. The underside of my house, above which is the kitchen, is not insulated (long story for another blog), so the pipes froze. The rest of my house recovered without doing much more than requiring a warm up, leaving the water drip overnight, etc....the pipe to the spigot wasn't as lucky. It broke. This leaves me to have to water the entire garden using the old fashioned fire line system...empty milk gallons, pails, water buckets, etc....not easy to do when you have minimal time.

I miss my old garden because of all of the hours of work and love I put into it. It was HUGE with lots of room to grow. I know that this one will, someday, show that love also, but I find myself kind of heartsick for that one. I have a hydrangea that I need to plant, I'd really like to put in some more perennials, but I have no way to water regularly....need to replant my grass too...HAH! Can't run a sprinkler! I pray that some of you out there have some suggestions??????????

Spring Break #1 is Over

Sadly, neither Spring Break #1 or #2 involve ME being on break...that's what I get to do Friday afternoon after I get my mouth all cut up...I mean after I receive relief by having my wisdom teeth removed from the overcrowded mouth in which they have made their home for many, many years....if I don't chicken out or have to cancel the appointment because there's no one available to do my job in my absence (even though I have a formal request for the afternoon off signed by the boss lady). Spring Break #2 starts for Girl and SmallBoy the Thursday before Easter. But I digress...

LargeBoy headed back to school on this cold and dreary Monday morning, after a long and relatively good weather enhanced week off of school. We saw him for, maybe 6hrs - of actual "awake AND at home" time over break, but he had a blast. The still dark sky, a combination of resetting the clocks and a night full of thunderstorms, and a "late" night, presented a rude awakening for LargeBoy this morning when I woke him at 6:45 to view the Crap-it's-Monday sky (and to get his ass moving for school). Lovely lovely day.

The weekend leading up to the official end of Spring Break was quite fine, though. The weather could have been a bit better, but considering I live in Chicago, it could have been MUCH MUCH worse! 5:00 on Friday couldn't have come fast enough. The director and associate director of our office had been out of town at a conference all week, my staff had taken the cat's-away-mice-will-play attitude, not realizing that K. and I had been left in charge, my Friday was TOTALLY stressful trying to schedule THIS week and blah blah blah...needless to say, by the time 5:00 rolled around I was ready to get the hell out of Dodge. Silly Me. I had forgotten that I had volunteered to help out at a Girl Scout function Friday night. Girl's troop was doing a service project and volunteered to babysit for a "Moms' Night Out" for the school parents. Well, the response was SO overwhelming, they had 83 children signed up, that the leaders needed help supervising the girls who were "running" the evening. I was DREADING this. I had been working with a staff who had been acting like children all week (ok, so , really, only two of my staff...but it was a staff of 4), in our office we work with kids with learning disabilities stemming from many a source, including behavioral issues from PTSD. I wanted to go home, open up my wine, slide into the bubble bath (a la Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman), and just forget about the world for a while. I was NOT looking forward to 83 screaming children ranging in age from 3 to 9. When I got there, I was pleasantly surprised. Yes, it was a zoo. There were children all over, some having a blast, some having tantrums, some bullying, some off in their own world (SmallBoy), but surprisingly my newfound skills, after learning all of these wonderful new techniques to use with SmallBoy, snapped into place. We got the kids playing games, tantrums were "easily" dealt with, and everyone was happy as clams...especially when we saw the parents slowly starting to trickle back in.

Saturday was Girl's play, Closet Monsters, peformed by her school's Drama Club. She played a character very similar to herself - tomboy who always wore her hair under a baseball cap, didn't take crap from anyone, and loved to speak her mind...yeah, pretty much Girl. There were SOME differences, but suffice it to say she pretty much played herself. She did a great job and I am SO very proud of her. She and her Step Sister are both in the drama club together. Step Sister's role was that of a girl very concerned with her looks, and beauty trends, skin and hair care, makeovers, etc...In this picture, Step Sister had just "done" Girl's hair and Girl's character wanted NOTHING to do with it, so she IMMEDIATELY shook it out, rolled her eyes, and put her baseball cap back on her head. It's nice that even with all the crap going on with Ex, that she and Step Sister are friends and have a great deal in common. It's nice for Girl to have a "big sister".

LargeBoy spent Saturday with SmallBoy - who was JUST loving it. LargeBoy "borrowed" Chicken Little from a friend and the Boys watched it together, played the games on the DVD, played games, wrestled, had alone time from each other - as long as SmallBoy knew his brother was home and wasn't leaving him, he was happy. It was SO nice to hear him laugh and giggle and just be SmallBoy again - not crying, literally, distraught over when he was going to see his brother again - gee, you think the whole abandoment issue with his "father" is starting to get to him? Now, at least, he knows that Spring Break was just that, a break, that LargeBoy adores him and would NEVER EVER leave him. He was SO scared, though. It just broke my heart.

Sunday we spent celebrating Princess' 7th Birthday; fittingly, her birthday was Saturday, April Fool's Day. To FULLY appreciate that, you need to know Princess. For her birthday celebration we had some killer rib tips from Uncle Bub's and ET made some barbequed chicken with (one of) his secret bbq sauce(s). The Maalox was flowing like water last night, but DAMN it was worth it. We gave Princess some more of Girl's GIGANTIC stash of American Girl stuff - those of you with only boys, be VERY GRATEFUL that you will never know what AG is. She loved it. We went outside and discovered a family of bunnies - 3 or 4 "fresh outs" and a mama. We made sure that SmallBoy and Princess didn't get too close, so that Mama would return. Oh...DUH...the pinata! THAT was hysterical. Princess went first because it was her birthday, of course, then SmallBoy, Girl, ET, and eventually, after a couple of rounds, Meem had a turn, too. Apparently this pinata was made very strong. It lasted through Girl - who plays fastpitch softball and has a killer swing, through ET - well, self-explanatory if you know him, and lasted through a baseball bat beating, too. Once it finally broke open, though, the kids filled up bags and bags of candy. Hopefully my dog won't find it. It was a wonderful afternoon and everyone had fun.

Today, well, back to reality. The weekend was a nice escape, though. I wish weekends were longer, though, so we can enjoy OUR lives more instead of our companies' lives, enjoy our CHILDREN more. I hope you, too, had a wonderful weekend.

Howdy, Stranger - I'm Pleased to Meet You

This post is particularly directed to the woman PC spoke with last night at an "establishment" in the general vicinity of my home. I must have just missed you last night. PC told me a bit about your conversation. I'm grateful that I was able to help you, that made me feel like I'm doing some good with this blog, besides just venting. He never got your name, so your anonymity is safe with me, but I do hope I get the opportunity to meet you. If you would like to talk, or just say hi, my email is in the profile. For all I know you're one of the people who comment all the time...I've really got no clue as to appearances except for a few, or perhaps, you prefer to read only. Either way, I'm pleased to have "met" you, and I'm so happy you got a chance to meet PC!!! We'll be up there again, as patrons and as a band...our band, Code West, if PC didn't mention it, will be there on May 20 and July 1, but I do so hope to meet you before that!

What Do You Think?

First, my HUGEST, heartfelt, sincerest, warmest, tear-trailed thanks for all of your comments on that last post. I am constantly amazed by everyone's thoughts, advice, agreement that Ex should Go F himself (or as we'd abbreviate in our house "GFHS"). I am surrounded by such incredible people - my family, my friends (and in that I include YOU...all of YOU even if I've never met you).

You may have noticed that I changed my profile picture...again...Mama Bear cradling a small child. It radiates love, warmth, security, protection, and still sends out to others the fierce Mama Bear vibes...this is MY child and I WILL protect at all costs! I wonder if I can change the name of the blog to Mama Bear - Mess with my kids and I'll rip out your heart and feed it to the vultures (thanks Marti)

SmallBoy had a better night last night. He was missing LargeBoy something awful, though. LargeBoy is on Spring Break this week and has been out with friends since before SmallBoy gets home from school until after he's in bed. So after SmallBoy EXPRESSED that he misses his brother (HOORAY!!!!! - for the expression, that is), I made it a point to have LargeBoy write him a quick note to say hello. It said something along these lines:

Dear SmallBoy,

I haven't seen you very much this week so I wanted to write you a note to say hi. I promise to spend some time hanging out with you and beating you at the Sonic game.

Love,
LargeBoy

p.s. Girl smells, so don't sit next to her.

I love that he loves his brother so much. SmallBoy kept laughing and laughing this morning at the part about Girl. He was SO happy to see that his brother didn't abandon him (a la Ex), and made it a point to take time out of his day to leave him a note. See what just a little something can do! HUGS to all of you! I love you TONS!!!!

Dear Ex:

Dear Ex: You son of a motherless goat (I'm only being nice because I respect the others who read my blog). Your ignorance of your son and your absolute loathing of me and lack of acceptance that I divorced your drunk abusive ass, is doing so much damage. No, you're not hurting me. I'm an adult. I can handle myself. I am competent and I have a fantastic support network. You're not hurting me. You cut off most of my money and left me for broke, legally bound in this town with unbelievable f*cking property taxes for another 8 1/2 years because you wanted me to go broke and suffer for leaving you. You trashed my family for supporting me, for taking MY side. You forbade your family from speaking to me because you were afraid they would betray you by even understanding my side. You trashed my name in the community and harrassed my friends. But you didn't hurt me then, and you're not hurting me now.

You're hurting LargeBoy. He is feeling like he has to step up to the plate and protect his brother. You say he's lying to you and that you think it's wrong that he lies to cover for his brother. Hmm...why do you think he does that? He does that because YOU don't understand SmallBoy. He does that because YOU and New Wife think that SmallBoy is bad and he's not. He tries to protect his brother. He stands up for his brother and for his rights. LargeBoy feels stuck in the middle. He doesn't want to go over on your weekends. He says that he finds things to do so that he is not there anymore, now that you and New Wife refuse to have SmallBoy in your home. He feels wrong not visiting because you ARE his father, but he feels wrong not being here with his brother. He will stand up to anyone - except you and New Wife - and defend anything that SmallBoy does. He understands. He's done the research. He knows what Asperger's is and he knows that, unfortunately, there are people like you and New Wife who don't get it and who will ostracize anyone not like yourself. HE is suffering. HE is being hurt.

Girl is also affected by your stupidity. She feels so incredibly torn. She, despite your idiocy, feels some strange loyalty to you. She knows that what you are doing is wrong, she's told me as much. When you first started pulling this crap, she was so distressed that she actually talked to me about it. Now, she clams up. She wants to see Step-Sister. She wants to see New Brother. She's a little mommy and adores having a "big sister." She feels like she is betraying me and SmallBoy. Of course, you don't care if she does, as long as she doesn't speak of SmallBoy while he is banned from your home because you don't understand him, or as long as she doesn't defend him or "lie" for him to protect him when he IS at your home. She is probably going to be in therapy for most of her adult life because she is so emotionally wrecked by this that she can't even discuss it with ME - she's been able to discuss ANYTHING with me...except the two things that involved YOU - the divorce and how you f*cked us over with that, and the excommunication of SmallBoy from your home. SHE is in pain deep down from her head to her toes. SHE can feel the pain deep within her heart and in the pit of her soul. SHE is being hurt.

But THIS is who you're hurting the most, you brainless, uncaring, ignorant, jerk-ass, buttheaded, word I can't say because my mother will read this. You cannot even BEGIN to understand the damage that you are doing. You say you want to put him into the public schools and I tell you he's not eligible for services because his grades are FANTASTIC. You are beginning to mess with him so much, that his anger and resentment are manifesting themselves in his schoolwork. He is becoming much less organized, he's forgetting his homework, his frustration tolerance is considerable lower than it's been for the last two years before you started this bullsh*t. He is a LOT more stimmy the last few weeks - but a) you wouldn't know what that is because, according to you, "the more research you do and the more you read about it, the more bullshit they feed you," b) you would just say he's being a bad kid, oh, and c) you refuse to see him...so you WOULDN'T KNOW ANYWAY!

WE, PC &I, listen to him cry. WE listen to him say how angry he is. WE listen to him call himself stupid. comfort him. WE walk in his shoes. WE understand him. WE help him express his anger in productive ways. WE applaud him for knowing that he's angry and being able to say so. rearrange our lives for him. WE are going broke for him because we're doing everything that we possibly can to help him, with no help from you because that would mean giving me, the evil biotch of an ex-wife, more money. WE comfort him when he's watching his brother and sister leave to go to YOUR house where you won't ALLOW him because you're afraid that Asperger's is contagious and the poor New Baby might get contaminated. WE tell him how much we love him and how much he is loved and supported by SO many people, including people who read this blog.

Do you want to know WHY I don't take you to court and force you to see SmallBoy? Tough! I'm telling you anyway! I don't MAKE you see him because I know that his experience there would be a miserable one. I know that you would make him feel even worse because you'd be constantly be yelling at him, calling him a liar, making him feel totally inadequate, making him think that everyone else, especially New Baby, hold much more value to you than he does. HE is hurting. HE is suffering. HE is the one who will feel like he's being abandoned by his father.

PC has only known him since 2004. HE gets it. He loves SmallBoy. He would give his life for him. He goes to everything with him, all of his appointments, boy scout outings - cuz god forbid you actually DO something with your son. HE helps him stay on track. HE knows how to help calm him. HE knows how to help stick to a routine that makes things easier for SmallBoy. He comforts SmallBoy. HE LOVES HIM. My in-laws, in the short amount of time that SmallBoy has been in their lives, have made it a point to learn everything they can about Asperger's and other spectrum disorders. THEY understand SmallBoy. THEY knew SmallBoy better than YOU. I am certain that if you actually managed to find my blog that you would just say that I'm being a "c" (your favorite word - yes, family, he has called me that many a time), but again, I say, that doesn't bother me. It's not me. Be angry at ME all you want. You're not hurting ME!

You are hurting them. Yes, I suppose I can actually say that you are hurting me. You're hurting me by hurting MY children. I suppose that when you finally listen to the professionals tell you that Asperger's is passed through the male blood line that you'll freak out. Oh GOD - what ever would you do if New Baby turned out to be on the spectrum!?!?!?! Will you disown him, too?!?!?! Yes, it pains me to watch SmallBoy suffer. It breaks my heart to know that all of the progress we have made - and LORD KNOWS we've made HUGE strides, is being UNDONE, he is REGRESSING because of this manifestation of his anger towards you, because of his confusion about the "new system", because his routine is upset, because someone he thought was a permanent fixture in his life, even if not under the same roof, has abandoned him, because YOU and New Wife REFUSE to understand. HOW can you, in good conscience, do this to him? You obviously have no idea about the ways of the spectrum or about the children on the spectrum. You obviously have no plans to educate yourselves about this topic. It's much simpler to deny this and to blame it on behavior and to say that he's going to get the precious baby sick by...oh GOD...touching his TOYS! HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! When SmallBoy was a newborn, I was still running a daycare. A & M were constantly sick, runny noses, ear infections, Hell, all three of our kids had chicken pox within the first 6 wks of me returning to babysitting after SmallBoys birth. The snotty fingers were not always washed, I never would have been able to do anything but wash hands constantly. The snotty fingers of A, M, Girl, and LargeBoy were ALWAYS all over SmallBoy's toys. Did THEY ever get deathly ill? I think not!

So, this is what I have to say, and then I leave the floor open to anyone who would like to add to this: Get your head out of your a*s, learn, understand, accept, and deal. If you can't, then you have no right whatsoever to call yourself the father of any of my children, especially SmallBoy. He is my love, and I WILL NOT allow you to hurt him any longer. Get with the program or GET LOST!

Mom, Dad, Meem, Poppy, PC, anyone want to add? Feel free...open letter to Ex.

If at First You Don't Succeed...

I am attempting, yet again, to change my blog template. If you access it and it's misbehaving, I apologize. It may very well end up back with the same old pink.