Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Dear Ex:

Dear Ex: You son of a motherless goat (I'm only being nice because I respect the others who read my blog). Your ignorance of your son and your absolute loathing of me and lack of acceptance that I divorced your drunk abusive ass, is doing so much damage. No, you're not hurting me. I'm an adult. I can handle myself. I am competent and I have a fantastic support network. You're not hurting me. You cut off most of my money and left me for broke, legally bound in this town with unbelievable f*cking property taxes for another 8 1/2 years because you wanted me to go broke and suffer for leaving you. You trashed my family for supporting me, for taking MY side. You forbade your family from speaking to me because you were afraid they would betray you by even understanding my side. You trashed my name in the community and harrassed my friends. But you didn't hurt me then, and you're not hurting me now.

You're hurting LargeBoy. He is feeling like he has to step up to the plate and protect his brother. You say he's lying to you and that you think it's wrong that he lies to cover for his brother. Hmm...why do you think he does that? He does that because YOU don't understand SmallBoy. He does that because YOU and New Wife think that SmallBoy is bad and he's not. He tries to protect his brother. He stands up for his brother and for his rights. LargeBoy feels stuck in the middle. He doesn't want to go over on your weekends. He says that he finds things to do so that he is not there anymore, now that you and New Wife refuse to have SmallBoy in your home. He feels wrong not visiting because you ARE his father, but he feels wrong not being here with his brother. He will stand up to anyone - except you and New Wife - and defend anything that SmallBoy does. He understands. He's done the research. He knows what Asperger's is and he knows that, unfortunately, there are people like you and New Wife who don't get it and who will ostracize anyone not like yourself. HE is suffering. HE is being hurt.

Girl is also affected by your stupidity. She feels so incredibly torn. She, despite your idiocy, feels some strange loyalty to you. She knows that what you are doing is wrong, she's told me as much. When you first started pulling this crap, she was so distressed that she actually talked to me about it. Now, she clams up. She wants to see Step-Sister. She wants to see New Brother. She's a little mommy and adores having a "big sister." She feels like she is betraying me and SmallBoy. Of course, you don't care if she does, as long as she doesn't speak of SmallBoy while he is banned from your home because you don't understand him, or as long as she doesn't defend him or "lie" for him to protect him when he IS at your home. She is probably going to be in therapy for most of her adult life because she is so emotionally wrecked by this that she can't even discuss it with ME - she's been able to discuss ANYTHING with me...except the two things that involved YOU - the divorce and how you f*cked us over with that, and the excommunication of SmallBoy from your home. SHE is in pain deep down from her head to her toes. SHE can feel the pain deep within her heart and in the pit of her soul. SHE is being hurt.

But THIS is who you're hurting the most, you brainless, uncaring, ignorant, jerk-ass, buttheaded, word I can't say because my mother will read this. You cannot even BEGIN to understand the damage that you are doing. You say you want to put him into the public schools and I tell you he's not eligible for services because his grades are FANTASTIC. You are beginning to mess with him so much, that his anger and resentment are manifesting themselves in his schoolwork. He is becoming much less organized, he's forgetting his homework, his frustration tolerance is considerable lower than it's been for the last two years before you started this bullsh*t. He is a LOT more stimmy the last few weeks - but a) you wouldn't know what that is because, according to you, "the more research you do and the more you read about it, the more bullshit they feed you," b) you would just say he's being a bad kid, oh, and c) you refuse to see him...so you WOULDN'T KNOW ANYWAY!

WE, PC &I, listen to him cry. WE listen to him say how angry he is. WE listen to him call himself stupid. comfort him. WE walk in his shoes. WE understand him. WE help him express his anger in productive ways. WE applaud him for knowing that he's angry and being able to say so. rearrange our lives for him. WE are going broke for him because we're doing everything that we possibly can to help him, with no help from you because that would mean giving me, the evil biotch of an ex-wife, more money. WE comfort him when he's watching his brother and sister leave to go to YOUR house where you won't ALLOW him because you're afraid that Asperger's is contagious and the poor New Baby might get contaminated. WE tell him how much we love him and how much he is loved and supported by SO many people, including people who read this blog.

Do you want to know WHY I don't take you to court and force you to see SmallBoy? Tough! I'm telling you anyway! I don't MAKE you see him because I know that his experience there would be a miserable one. I know that you would make him feel even worse because you'd be constantly be yelling at him, calling him a liar, making him feel totally inadequate, making him think that everyone else, especially New Baby, hold much more value to you than he does. HE is hurting. HE is suffering. HE is the one who will feel like he's being abandoned by his father.

PC has only known him since 2004. HE gets it. He loves SmallBoy. He would give his life for him. He goes to everything with him, all of his appointments, boy scout outings - cuz god forbid you actually DO something with your son. HE helps him stay on track. HE knows how to help calm him. HE knows how to help stick to a routine that makes things easier for SmallBoy. He comforts SmallBoy. HE LOVES HIM. My in-laws, in the short amount of time that SmallBoy has been in their lives, have made it a point to learn everything they can about Asperger's and other spectrum disorders. THEY understand SmallBoy. THEY knew SmallBoy better than YOU. I am certain that if you actually managed to find my blog that you would just say that I'm being a "c" (your favorite word - yes, family, he has called me that many a time), but again, I say, that doesn't bother me. It's not me. Be angry at ME all you want. You're not hurting ME!

You are hurting them. Yes, I suppose I can actually say that you are hurting me. You're hurting me by hurting MY children. I suppose that when you finally listen to the professionals tell you that Asperger's is passed through the male blood line that you'll freak out. Oh GOD - what ever would you do if New Baby turned out to be on the spectrum!?!?!?! Will you disown him, too?!?!?! Yes, it pains me to watch SmallBoy suffer. It breaks my heart to know that all of the progress we have made - and LORD KNOWS we've made HUGE strides, is being UNDONE, he is REGRESSING because of this manifestation of his anger towards you, because of his confusion about the "new system", because his routine is upset, because someone he thought was a permanent fixture in his life, even if not under the same roof, has abandoned him, because YOU and New Wife REFUSE to understand. HOW can you, in good conscience, do this to him? You obviously have no idea about the ways of the spectrum or about the children on the spectrum. You obviously have no plans to educate yourselves about this topic. It's much simpler to deny this and to blame it on behavior and to say that he's going to get the precious baby sick by...oh GOD...touching his TOYS! HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! When SmallBoy was a newborn, I was still running a daycare. A & M were constantly sick, runny noses, ear infections, Hell, all three of our kids had chicken pox within the first 6 wks of me returning to babysitting after SmallBoys birth. The snotty fingers were not always washed, I never would have been able to do anything but wash hands constantly. The snotty fingers of A, M, Girl, and LargeBoy were ALWAYS all over SmallBoy's toys. Did THEY ever get deathly ill? I think not!

So, this is what I have to say, and then I leave the floor open to anyone who would like to add to this: Get your head out of your a*s, learn, understand, accept, and deal. If you can't, then you have no right whatsoever to call yourself the father of any of my children, especially SmallBoy. He is my love, and I WILL NOT allow you to hurt him any longer. Get with the program or GET LOST!

Mom, Dad, Meem, Poppy, PC, anyone want to add? Feel free...open letter to Ex.


Laura said...

I don't think there is much more to add. You have stated everything beautifully. I don't even know him and I want to smack him upside the head. Keep doing what you are doing - your support is the very best thing for him. Hang in there.

mommyguilt said...

Yeah!Get lost,maaaan!-(with no dignity)P.C.

Octoberbabies said...

Dear Ex:
Go f*ck yourself. You're pissing off poeple you've never even met.


Wade Rankin said...

The saving grace of all of this is that acorns do NOT always fall close to the tree.

That LargeBoy and Girl are able to show compassion for a reprehensible waste of DNA is commendable. That compassion is no doubt a result of having one decent set of parents.

Anonymous said...

Boy...this is a GREAT letter...may I please take it directly to his house and read it to him??? And to New wife too!! What is the matter with them!!??....I love the acorn falling FAR from the tree. You and PC are wonderful....aren't the kids all SO lucky to have you!!Hang in there!! Love, Meem

Cheryl said...

My 11 year old Aspie belongs to the X-gen games forum - they're very tolerant there - and to the age specific area on wrong-planet which is by Aspies for Aspies.

Poor Smallboy. He is probably too young to remember that Dad just has this quirk where anything clever or different or that he can't control gets called stupid. I bet Mum was called stupid, lots, and I bet Bigson can back that up. Daddy's stupid so he calls things he doesnt understand stupid and hopes people wont find out?

Sorry - but to be honest, if the only way to save my son's self esteem was to tell him poor daddy has bigger, worse special needs and cant help being odd and wrong all the time - I'd do it. Even if I was still married to the guy.


gretchen said...

Christina, I feel so helpless when I read about Ex. I feel like I have NOTHING helpful to suggest in any way. My husband's ex does so many hurtful things to their (our) daughter... Kate is almost 16 and therapy is helping a lot.

I think she now understands that her mom is "damaged" (word the therapist used) and just isn't capable of making any better choices than she does. This line of reasoning angers me, because I believe any adult is capable of making the right choices, especially where a child is concerned. But this seems to make Kate feel better- understand that she hasn't done anything wrong, and maybe we will all start to accept that we will never be able to change her mom.

But, your situation is so much more complicated because there are 3 children involved and neither one of you is going to just move far away. (Don't you wish he would??!! Maybe one of us can find him a job!!!)

GR said...

You have said it all my dear. All I can add is GRrrrrrrrr and he best hope that I never have to see him again.

kyra said...

i agree with laura--you have said it all beautifully and passionately and with a lionesses ROAR. i am roaring along with you. i am FURIOUS with ex. FURIOUS. i feel for you, for your kids, especially for Smallboy. he is such a dear, such an incredibly smart, sensitive, wonderful guy with SO MUCH MORE COURAGE THAN YOUR EX could even have. it physically pains me to hear of his stupidity, selfishness, ignorance, and insensitivity. how can he live with himself? i feel for Largeboy and Girl. how ghastly for him to put them in such a position. his behavior is SHAMEFUL.

Mama Kelly said...

Your Ex is a pitiful excuse for a human being, never mind a father ... the mere fact that he shows such obvious disdain (i dont know what else to call it) for your younger son -- for something that is entirely out of his control -- I am so sorry for the pain this is causing all of you

melissa said...

Your ex-husband sounds like an idiot! Causing your children so much pain and embarrassment.
The children will see what a fool he truly is. But, he will have hurt them beyond repair.
Like small boy can help his problem. I have 2 autistic boys, I share your pain. I am sorry for all the suffering he is putting your children through. Maybe he and his wife will move away or something. Good bye to bad rubbish!

standing still for once said...

Never, repeat, never get between a mother lion and her cubs. She will rip your heart out of your chest, tear it to shreds, then feed it to the vultures.

Anonymous said...

Large, Stupid & Drunk is quite a combination. I happen to know because I was a Medium, Stupid immature,self serving, drunk.

I thank you and your sister for forgiving me and God for making it happen.

I fear that "EX" will never see the light. I also expect that there will be another mommy left holding the bag in the near future.

His M.O. is that of intimidation and Might makes right. Shout down anyone ( not just you )who dares disagree with him. Belittle anyone who isn't as glorious as he is.

No amount of counseling mental or Physical ( if ya know what I mean ) will help anyone unwilling to accept it.

You know yourself that I was ignorant to the behavior patterns of small boy until I found out what it was about.
"EX" knows but will not accept it. How could HE...the great one have had anything to do with that stuff?

I love you and commend you and PC, Large BOY and Girl for doing all that you can to make the best of unchangeable situation.
It sounds like if it were not for girl's heartstrings that you would be better off with no contact at all.

I feel that you could legally do more than is being done at this time but I don't have to live with your everyday situation.

It's a great thing that you have this blog, and all the folks who support and love you.

I know you will keep on being the great Guilty Mommy that you are.
In the milliseconds that you may have to do it.......take care of and love yourself.
If you have an empty bucket, you cannot offer anyone else a cool drink! Pat them all on the head and let them know that I love them all.

Melissa said...

You need to send this to that idiot
of a father.

Roni said...

My heart is breaking.

I really, really, really hate men like this. My heart really breaks for Girl. I think all of us women know that crazy love we have for our Daddies. No matter how bad they may treat us. No matter how wonderful a day may be. We're always torn about our Daddies. And that's just from a normal upbringing! Give Girl a huge hug for me.

mommyguilt said...

I can't say it enough...thank you...to each and every one of you who left a comment, and even to those who just read and clenched their fists together, too angry to leave a comment...

Your support and occasional nudges are worth more to me than you know. There are things that I need to, for some reason, justify doing...one is taking that rat bastard to court and ripping out his heart, per Marti, and feeding it to the vultures. I know it's what I SHOULD do, but I've always been afraid. Ex is the king of intimidation (yes, Dad, you nailed it right on the head), and I've always been terrified to stand up to him.

Mama Bear's not afraid, though. Mama Bear's showing her teeth and her claws. Mama Bear's ready to fight for her cubs...all of them. (First, Mama Bear has to find a really good attorney and child advocate, though).

Again, my sincerest thanks and love and hugs and vibes and everything else to all of you. Roni - I will make sure to give girl that hug - btw, she won our house NCAA brackets by default.

Loves to all of you!!!!!!!

Robin said...

All the stuff you ranted and raved about sucks and I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. People do mean and vengeful things before,during and after a divorce but disowning your child isn't on the list. That isn't even an option.
Parents love their children unconditionally. That's the law.

I have read SmallBoy's blog and he just seems like the sweetest darn kid....filled with love and admiration for his family. How could his own father ban him from his home? Even criminals on death row have visits from their parents who still love them.

I totally believe in karma so what your ex is dishing out will come back to him 10 times that amount. I've seen it happen.

In the meantime,SmallBoy has the love of his family (minus the sperm donor) and although he probably feels like this is a huge loss in his life,he will be better off in the long run.

As for the other children, what a damn shame that they have to feel torn like this. Your ex is more than a F&^%$#@ piece of S&^%.....I doubt he even realizes what he has lost.

Moi ;) said...

Ya know, I have not had five minutes to check out the blogosphere but when I saw this I kicked myself, because I am so behind....Lady, you rock, OMG.

I think we were married to brothers. Anything related to my ex is an under-the-rock-sludge kind of varmint. Sound like yours?

Mine did the same crap, trashed me, same old same old, yadda yadda. I get why you don't take him to court. BTDT. Fathers' Rights BS has backfired, and screwed the kids more than the ex-wives.

You're doing the right things. Just keep piling up the ammo. One day he will do the same crap to New Wife and their spawn. Then you can team up for the payback. ;)