Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Where the Hell I've Been

The voice is almost better! Woo-hoo! Still coughing, still headachey (but I think that's a tooth). Lots to catch you up on. Let's start at Friday.

Unfortunately, our gig was cancelled due to a double booking and a miscommunication within the organization. That turned out to be a blessing in disguise because I don't know how I would have performed. I was SO exhausted, that by 3:00 that afternoon, it was all I could do to stay awake at work. My throat was so sore from coughing and I was "releasing" all the crap that was in my chest - I didn't think that I could sing, even with a voice, without breaking into a coughing fit mid-song. I had toyed with the idea of a cough suppressant for the gig, but I really really want this crap out of my body...thankfully, I didn't need to worry about making that decision, though. Throat rested and I rested Friday night. SmallBoy and GR already had plans to have a special overnight, so PC and I met her for dinner, dropped off Smallboy and then went home for our first night ALONE in, what seemed like, a million years since Ex started his B.S. What did I do? Fell asleep for 3hrs on the couch. How would I have played a gig?

Saturday is a blur. I remember that the weather was beautiful and that PC and I made it a point to get out before the rain came in, but other than that I don't remember what we did for most of the day. Princess came over to spend the night and SmallBoy came home from GR's that afternoon. We had a blast. SmallBoy played, Princess played, we took MAJOR goofy pictures and emailed them to ET & SIL, who were in Italy at the time, played games, and I, as usual, was the first one - ok, maybe 2nd, but right after SmallBoy - in bed.

Sunday morning....I had to cantor the 9:00 mass, you know, the one I've been so worried about because it was the most beautiful psalm and I've been waiting for YEARS to sing this one (I've always been in the choir for this one while, typically, my former vocal nemesis sang it). I drank LOTS of tea. I said TONS of prayers, and out it came. It was amazing. It was beautiful. Because I had been singing it to myself and in the choir for so many years, I already knew it, felt it, and knew right where MY dynamics and emotions would be placed. It was.....oh, so pretty! My family had promised they'd be there, but with LargeBoy & Girl at their father's, they went to the 11:00 mass with a different cantor, SmallBoy & Princess were not about to sit through mass, so that meant PC was staying at home, too. No one got to hear it, but that's alright. After I finished I sat down and sent a BIG "thank you" Upstairs!

After mass, I returned home to the fresh baked, warm scent of cinnamon rolls, and to the frosting covered faces of two adorable little children and one frosting smeared mustache of my darling PC. Thankfully, they saved me two. We finished up, changed clothes and headed over to the park before we needed to drop SmallBoy off at his dad's (for his whopping 4 hour visit). The weather wasn't quite as nice as Saturday, in fact, there was quite a bite in the wind, so we only stayed at the park for about 20 minutes, but they were 20 minutes full of fun and energy. That afternoon, we took Princess over to visit with Meem & Poppy. It was a nice day. PC ALMOST made it through the whole visit without the smoking lecture. I have to say he brought it on himself, this time, though, but he almost escaped unscathed. We had a good laugh about it on the way home. The kids all returned later that afternoon, and Princess was picked up to go back to her house. School night again.

Monday we double-whammied poor SmallBoy with OT & a visit to his therapist. He did great at OT. He's making such HUGE gains now. She noticed a massive improvement in his visual tracking and we've noticed that he is now able to calm himself a little better, or to make the decision as to what he needs to do to chill out...he still stresses and gets way too frustrated before he calms down, but he's realizing it himself now, and taking the initiative HIMSELF. I'm so proud of him.

We went on to therapy with Dr. M. She had spoken with Ex & New Wife a couple days before and agreed that they are clueless as to anything at all about Aspergers. She did say, though, that until they do get a clue, that it's probably better for SmallBoy's success, self-esteem, and relationship with his father, that we continue with this arrangement. She talked to Ex about the charts that I had provided for them to help Smallboy remember to wash his hands, brush his teeth, what to do in the shower. They admitted that they aren't using them - not only that, they don't want to, they don't think it's necessary. They think he's just being a problem child and doesn't need a reminder. Dr. M. also said that a lot of this comes from Ex being in denial - because admitting something is "wrong" with his child means that something is "wrong" with him. He's done enough research to know that ASPERGER's is possibly something that he shares with his son, as it does seem to pass through the male blood line. We talked further about how important it is for Ex and New Wife to do what we do at home to provide continuity, to make SmallBoy feel safe and loved and supported in both environments. We all discussed the visitation. Ex wanted to continue bringing SmallBoy over for small amounts of time on Saturdays when LargeBoy and Girl are there and then returning him home Saturday evening. I said no way. That makes him feel even MORE ostracized. I said that if he was going to continue with this that visitation had to be on Sunday afternoon so that he could come home with his brother and sister, like a family, something that is the same as it was.

Dr. M stressed that she stressed to Ex and New Wife that, although she thinks this should be something worked on in small increments, that it was highly important to SmallBoy's success for him to know that all of the people in his life love him and support him, and that SmallBoy knows from his father that there is NOTHING wrong with him and that Ex & New Wife work quickly towards getting past this problem that they have with my son. I said that everything needs to be set aside and all focus needs to be on SmallBoy...not on the baby, because I'm worried that SmallBoy will grow up to resent the Baby, not on Ex & New Wife's "schedules", not on PC's & my schedule, but on SmallBoy. HE is the most important thing here. We all agreed. She spent some time talking with SmallBoy and he was ok.

Since then I've sort of been in a blur. With the stress of this and all of the other things I'm trying to take care of to keep my family healthy, happy, and in a home, I've just been yucko lately. I spent most of yesterday feeling like I could burst into tears at any moment. I know it's a stress thing...it's totally a stress thing. I know that I'll get through it. I've gotten through much more trying times than this, so this will be fine. I've got a wonderful family, a great blog family, and a lot of positive energy floating around. I've also got a dentist appointment for next Monday (don't let me cancel it, ok?), which means pain (I have TMJ, so visits to the dentist cause me more than the usual dental pain) and more than likely a trip to the oral surgeon to get the wisdom teeth yanked (shivvvvvvvvvvvver).

Well, now that I've filled you in, stressed myself out, and given myself the willies, I think I'll close up shop and go home....in time to go to a Den meeting for Boy Scouts - 45 screaming boys....OH GOD! How about a drink!!!!!!!!

1 comment:

Laura said...

Hang in there kid. Sounds like some good progress is being made though. Wish we were there to hear you sing! Hey - are the other kids lightening up on SmallBoy again?