I'm Having an I-Hate-Autism Day

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! I'm going to try, my dear friends (and you are all my friends by now), not to rant and rave and get to down, but las night was REALLY shitty. Not SmallBoy, but with Ex's take on Asperger's.

He called last night and asked me about SmallBoy's behavioral therapy. I told him that it was going well, but we've only been twice, since insurance only allows so many visits/year, not to mention that in the second visit, the therapist is still doing background work with him. You see, SmallBoy has issues listening when he is at his dad's for the weekend. He just doesn't do it. Ex also has a new baby, about 3 1/2, 4 mos old. SmallBoy doesn't really know how to interact with the baby, nor does he really know how to express his frustrations that he really likes the baby, but can't play with him. SmallBoy also doesn't understand that he can't really get right in the baby's face or play rough with him like he does with his brother and sister. Not only that, but there is always that underlying issue of jealousy. The kids are with their dad only two weekends a month, so SmallBoy a) still hasn't adjusted to the new baby, even though he loves him to pieces (he told me that he thinks being a big brother is wonderful and that he loves having a little brother. In fact, he asked when PC and I will be having a baby - not gonna happen, but still....), and b) still wants his time with his dad - alone, without baby in tow. I told Ex that perhaps time alone with SmallBoy would be a good way to make him feel special. As a matter of fact, I suggested that Ex take SmallBoy to his Cub Scout meeting tonight.

Ex went on to express the fact that he and his wife are concerned that SmallBoy defies them and won't listen to either of them when he is at their house. He said that LargeBoy and Girl constantly have to yell at SmallBoy, that he flips out and has tantrums like a baby and makes up his own rules, not abiding by the house rules. He says he has mood swings. (Is anyone else thinking, "Hmmm, isn't that all about ASD?") I explained to Ex that SmallBoy is on the spectrum. I had to cut it to the quick for him and say to him that Asperger's is a form of autism. He replied to me with, "We've read that book on Awsperger's and we know all about it. He shouldn't act like this."

Wait. It get's worse. He then went on to say to me that, as much as it pains him to do this, that if SmallBoy's behavior doesn't change significantly in the next visit, that he will not be able to have him on the weekends because he fears for the baby's safety. I was FLOORED. My SmallBoy wouldn't hurt a flea. He needs assistance with social skills, with how to act in certain situations. He needs to learn how to find the language he needs to use to express himself properly. I told him that he needs to do a lot more research on ASperger's. I said that I communicate with other parents every day who discuss all of these same things. That SmallBoy is not just being a problem child. That he is not just defying his father. Hell, he listens to me. Yeah, we have our bad days and our good days, but that's the nature of Asperger's. I know what to do, how to work with my little man. Ex does not. I told him about blogs and Asperger's and autism sites.

I told Ex that I am doing everything that I can to assure that SmallBoy lives a very successfull life, but that takes MONEY - something I don't have. Ex refuses to contribute anymore than he is legally required, which makes getting SmallBoy help extremely difficult. And I told him that. I said that insurance only covers so much. I was just absolutely fuming. I know that I'm still missing elements of this conversation with him because I'm so infuriated.

After I hung up with him, I told PC what was going on and he just held me while I cried. How can he deny his own son simply because he is "difficult" (or because he doesn't know what to do because he's not fully educated in the ways of ASperger's). I likened this to people who would institutionalize family members because they were "weird" or "off" or "strange" or "difficult". And please forgive me if this sounds awful, but I have to say, that I'm extremely lucky that my child is "easy", as far as the spectrum goes. His receptive and expressive language is for the birds, his social skills suck, his mood swings are godawful, but he is such a wonderful boy. He is loving, caring, compassionate, sweet, friendly, for the most part - happy. But you know what? Even if he was "difficult" or more severe, as we say in the ASD community, I would still love him and do everything in my power to see that his life is as perfect as I can make it for him. He is my SON. God, I'm just SO livid.

We've all written about people who don't get it. Never once, however, have I seen a parent of an ASD child who doesn't get it. I understand that he is not with SmallBoy on a regular basis. I understand that it's a really hard thing to accept, that your child is "different" than other kids. So what should one do in this case? Research. Educate yourself and others. Make an effort to understand what causes this and what to expect from your child and, more importantly, how to teach your child, how to understand your child, how to work with your child, how to make sure your child knows that you love them UNCONDITIONALLY.

I could rant on long and loud, but my head is really starting to throb with anger right now. HELP.