Monday, June 20, 2005

SmallBoy the Big Brother

SmallBoy officially became a big brother this weekend....not from this mommy, though. No way, uh-uh, no how, all done. His father and his wife had a baby boy early on Father's Day morning. I think SmallBoy is excited, although he hasn't really quite gotten it yet. He's seen the baby, held the baby and knows he's the big brother, but I'm not sure he gets the whole concept. I explained to him that now he and LL will be like he and LargeBoy are and that he understood. I think once he has had more time to spend with his new brother, the more he'll grasp the idea of his new "position".

My only worry now, is that the priority of children to father will have changed. I have already experienced the shift seems to be very difficult for my ex to pay any extra time, attention, or finances to his FIRST children. I know what the law says and what the divorce decree says, so I always have that to fall back on, but I certainly do not want my children to feel second best and become jealous of their new sibling. I would love to hear your feedback on this...especially if you are a First Marriage Child or a Second Marriage Child.


Julie said...

I'm a "first marriage child", and although my dad was always great, he made a lot more money than my mom. Which means, my two younger brothers grew up with more and better stuff than my sister and I did. It did seem very much at times like things were unfair, but looking back now--other than a few really obvious things--I can't tell how much of that feeling was really justified, and how much was the normal childhood jealousy. Don't stress too much about it, the best you can do is make sure they know they're loved at your home--their dad will have to do his part all on his own. And believe me, when they grow up, they'll know you did your best.

PM said...

As the mother of a "second marriage child" with two children from a previous marriage and two stepchildren (well, three but only two count), I find it very difficult to find balance for our collective children and balance for us as the mean parent/stepparent. My children live 50% with me and 50% with their father. So, whose house is home???? It's like trying to figure out who' s on first. My stepchildren are with us every other weekend so home is with Mom plus 60% of my husband's salary. Does my husband ever hear from girl A and B? Do they call just to say "hey"? No, they call to drag him into the nonsense of their mother's house, which he cannot control, nor offer opinions or solutions for handling the issue at hand. It's just my experience that the non-custodial parent feels left out of the lives with their first children even tho the $$$$ and the love still goes that way. I know this is how husband #2 feels. And, even though we share custody of my children 50/50, it's absolutely the way I feel.

What I tell myself regularly is to keep being the mom they have always counted on even though I'm not the favorite parent. I'm the parent that expects them to mind their manners, not fart at the dinner table, call home to check-in, speak respectfully in our home, blah, blah blah.... And, I do this because I love them so much and pray that they'll reach their full potential, which I can see in them.

So, what happens....we focus on the person who is in our lives daily, dependent upon us 100%, expresses happiness and love to us unconditionally........the child from the second marriage. But, not a day goes by the either of us do not try to express our love to our first generation children and try to be a part of their lives even thought it's usually a tremendous inconvenience to them.

As hard as it is to be in the emotional triangle you now call life, try to remember that there are three sides to every triangle....his, hers and theirs. Remember, parents, whether they are able to express it or not, have gaping holes in their souls when they aren't with their children. We become hardened so we can continue to put one foot in front of the other rather than spend the day crying out of lonliness.

Give smallboy a chance to love his new brother. My children, and I do mean my children, love child #6 unconditionally. Child #6 has made us a family.

Sorry to ramble and I hope it is to fragmented and jumbled. Give the new family time to adjust. Take the advice of a mom with his, hers and our children, all will work out and everyone will find their place in the new family.

mommyguilt said...

Julie - Thanks for your comments. Being a "first Marriage child", myself, I have experienced the "second marriage child," there is a 20yr difference between my half sister and me. That sort of changes that a bit. I am glad to hear your perspective.

PM- SO happy to hear from YOU! I can hear your voice telling me all of that. You are right. Focus on the importance of letting MY children know how much I love them, and whatever their father chooses to do is up to him and they will, in time, get what they get from him.