Monday, February 27, 2006

THE Talk

My sweet little SmallBoy had lunch with his father on Saturday (while LargeBoy and Girl had spent Friday night there), and then spent a couple of hours with his father before he was returned home to me. Without prodding for information, I asked SmallBoy how his afternoon was with his dad. He told me they went to Wendy's for lunch and then presented me with a plate of cupcakes that he had made while at his dad's. As PC & I were getting ready for "the ball", I left it at that, gave him some HUGE squeezes and loves, and let him play with his brother - oh yes, that's right, LargeBoy had to come home early so that he could babysit since we had no coverage for SmallBoy since his father chose not to allow him in his home anymore.

Our weekend continued and SmallBoy had fun. We did silly things, GR & Chica took him to see the Curious George movie on Sunday and stayed for dinner. He loved it...thought it was awesome. He had a blast with his Grandma and his aunt. He said his favorite part in the movie was when George had the bunch of balloons and started floating away. I told him that was my favorite part in the book, too. The rest of the evening was nice and he even got ready for bed perfectly for me.

I went up at 9 to tuck him in like I do every night. I asked him about his weekend, like I do every Sunday night. I always do a recap with him and find out if he enjoyed it, and give him some time to decompress before going to sleep. I also asked him if he wanted to talk about his "talk" with his dad. Are you holding on to your hats/seats/fists, etc...this is what he said:

He told me that when I stop lying I can come over again.

Can you believe that crap? You don't tell ANY child that they're a liar, let alone a child on the spectrum! I could just feel the pain that must have been rushing through him. All I could do was hold him, tell him what a wondeful child was, tell him that I'm so proud of him for all of the help that he has given our new friend H & her son N (the 7 y/o Aspie I mentioned a few posts back), that he was my hero for that (oh, and did I also mention that N's father offered to take SmallBoy and N overnight anytime? Gee, a dad - also not with the mother of his child - who is willing to take on not one, but TWO Aspies at the same time!!!!!). I told him how strong he was and how much everyone loves him. I told him that he is not a liar and that sometimes we just need to learn new ways to tell the truth and that some people still don't understand that it's hard, sometimes for Aspies to find the right words to verbalize what they want to say.

I was LIVID! I went back downstairs to the couch and just cried my eyes out. I don't think I have EVER cried that hard, even after fights with Ex, after him threatening to leave me penniless and without my children (well, we know NOW that would never happen). Tonight we shall all meet again for OT, if he bothers to come this time, and for a volleyball game for Girl, again, if he bothers. It will take every ounce of restraint, and the want of keeping my dignity by not making a public scene, to keep from screaming at him and publicly flogging him for hurting my baby. Make no mistake, words will be spoken, this mama is PISSED OFF. It will also take some serious control to keep from letting PC loose on him. PC - who is NOT my child's father, who has only been around my children for a short time compared to their life with their father, PC who has taken it upon himself to learn as much as I have about Asperger's, Autism in general, Sensory issues, what it takes to help SmallBoy...PC gives a shit. He cares about my son. He would NEVER EVER EVER remove my son because he told a lie, because he didn't wash his hands before touching the baby, because he wants to touch "the forbidden toys". FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! I think I will be reminding my ex that he used to lie to his parents everyday before high school and tell them that he was going to the library to study - he went to get drunk & stoned. I think I will tell him that Girl was grounded from the computer all of last week for lying to me and blatantly defying me to my face about using a 3-way call. I think I will tell him that there were times I lied to my parents too...GEEZ.

My darling husband has just come to save me from work, so I'll hit publish now. I will keep you posted.


Cheryl said...

Its midnight here. I'll be on the comp in seven hours time and straight over here, in case you blog.

Hugs to you and smallboy, and a round of applause to PC.

mommyguilt said...

Thanks Cheryl. It's now 9pm here. Not quite certain when it was midnight there...oh, I see, 3 hours ago. I shall have a post in the making tomorrow. I'll start it tonight, but it probably won't be published until later...but suffice it to say my Ex is a WEENIE (and I'm being entirely too kind.)

gretchen said...

Years and years ago I was told, by another divorce survivor, NEVER to criticize a child's parent to that child. I have tried to follow that advice, really. But it just doesn't seem right sometimes.

If another person, NOT the child's parent, did and said some of these things, I would say "that person is a complete idiot and has no right to talk to you that way." But because said idiot is a blood relative, why does that give him/her permission to treat my child like shit?

Just another thing that makes me angry!

Felicity said...

Crazy making.

Cheryl said...

I agree Gretchen, but I think thats about running the other person down, making the kid feel like they are in a war zone and unable to express loyalties openly, calling dad a filthy XYZ in the kid's earshot, or worse, to the kid direct.

Openly asking a man why he wont/cant understand something, or comforting poor SmallBoy that his daddy has a very frustrating blindspot on this is completely diferent.

At least I hope so! Off to visit your blog.

marti said...

You are a precious and wonderful and gorgeous and beautiful woman, a courageous mother, and a true fighter. PC and our family are lucky to have you and your children. I cannot wait to give you a hug.

mommyguilt said...

Thanks, Marti! And we, too, are truly blessed to have you, hubby, & Child in ours!

Laura said...

I wish I was in Chicago so I could take you out for a drink somewhere and we could put a picture of your ex on the dartboard and have at it. Or at least drink coffee and vent.

You are a great Mom. And how wonderful that SmallBoy has PC as well. See what I miss when I'm away for a few days?