Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Ex & Asperger's (Oh, I'm Sorry...AWGSBURGER'S)

Yes, Ex is up to his antics again. It was his weekend with the kids just this past weekend. He picked them up early, for a change, at 4 instead of at 6. Personally, I don't mind when he picks them up at 6 because it gives me a little bit of time with them after work. As always, though, he operated on his own time.

Earlier in the week, maybe Thursday, he had told me that I would need to pick the kids up early on Sunday. As a season ticket holder for the Bears, he had dibs on playoff tickets and, of course, snatched them up. He didn't offer to bring his wife, though, so she was available to be with the kids if I couldn't get them, but, in his world, that wasn't an option. go figure.

On Saturday, Girl had two basketball games, one at 5pm and one at 9pm. His family had a party to attend that afternoon and he had told Girl that she couldn't go to either of her games. When he was the coach, three years for her and two or three for LargeBoy, the only legitimate reason for missing a game or a practice was death - the player's, not a family member. She really wanted to go to the game and, from what she told me, she went head to head with her father. She couldn't understand why, now that he's not the coach, he would change his standards; why, after drilling into her head that sports comes before all else (he went so far once to say that sports came before God), he would contradict himself; why, after watching his brother's kids always missing family parites fo rsports - and applauding him, he would change his position.

Finally, he told her to call me and see if I was going to her 5:00 game and, if so, to find out if I'd be willing to drive her out to the far western suburb to the party following her game. If and only if I was willing to do that, he would consider, maybe letting her go. So she called. I didn't know that he still had to render an opinion on if he'd let her go if I could drive. OF COURSE I said yes; not to spite him, not to say, "See, Mommy loves you," but because it's important to her. She has scholarship potential and she needs every game she can get to work towards those so that she can go to college. If she wants to play, then , damn it all, she's going to play.

After all was said and done, she got to both games. They lost the first, won the second. I picked the kids up from his house at 12:30 on Sunday after they had gotten back from church with Step-mom (I find this new church going thing hysterical since he used to ridicule me about spending more time at church than with him). We had plenty of time to get SmallBoy to the Cub Scout outing from my previous post (go ahead, take a look). Thankfully, we had him for that, because Ex won't do it. I'm fairly certain why, but I'll let you draw your own conclusions. the rest of the day went on fine; ET & Princess stayed for dinner and we all hung out since we all had Monday off.

Have you heard "Come Monday/It'll be all right..." by Jimmy Buffet? Wasn't true this week. I woke up sicker than a dog Monday morning, and the day spiraled from there. The biggest twist in the spiral, however, was when Ex called to tell me that SmallBoy was awful at his house this weekend and that he doesn't

"buy this AWGsBURGER's shit as an excuse anymore."

I asked him how much he knew about ASPERGER's - had he glossed over only the book I loaned him (which hasn't been returned, btw), or had he read hundreds of books and done hours upon hours of research like I had. His reply:

"Well as far as books, the more books you read, the more bullshit they throw at you. It's all a bunch of crap anyway."

I asked him how many other parents he had spoken with who had kids on the spectrum, and, of those parents, how many of them have seen their kids exhibit exclusively NT behavior (I translated into his language, of course). I asked him if he has joined any parent support groups or support boards or read any blogs or gotten to know ANYONE with a child on the spectrum. No answer, except to continue his rant. He said that SmallBoy lies to him and gave me this example:

He walked into a room and told SmallBoy to stop playing with something. SmallBoy threw it down and screamed at him that he wasn't playing with it.

Hmm.....let's see. Option #1: SmallBoy is a 9 year old boy. More often than not, if a 9 y/o gets busted doing something, he's not going to 'fess up to it.
Option #2: Did ex, perhaps stop to think about how AS kids take things literally? Perhaps SmallBoy wasn't playing with whatever he was holding. Perhaps he was looking at it, trying to figure it out. In his eyes, he wasn't playing with it, because playing implies that he was using imagination or using whatever he had as a toy.

He went on to further explain that SmallBoy never washes his hands after wiping his nose or using the bathroom and lies about it. He said he's worried that SmallBoy is going to hurt the baby with the germs and get him fatally ill. I told Ex that I was well versed on the effects of not washing hands. PC was violently ill with the rotavirus on our honeymoon - to the point where I was afraid for his life - he contracted this through the food prepared at our rehearsal dinner for our wedding by someone who did not wash his or her hands after using the bathroom. I informed Ex that handwashing is top priority at our house, not just for SmallBoy, but for everyone. I told him that when that when it comes to SmallBoy, he needs a lits, a checklist, and he needs to check him after each step. I told him to try it more as a game format, make it fun, not a chore.

He, of course, let everything I said go in one ear and out the other. He told me that he's tired of having to spend all of this time "watching" SmallBoy,

"What am I supposed to do? Lock him in a closet? Do you expect me to watch him 24/7?"

Um, HELLLLLOOOOOOOOOO, McFly! Oh, wait, here's the kicker,

"You know, if it wasn't for the baby...."

I let that one roll off, and said to him that SmallBoy needs as much as he can give him. He needs to know that everyone around him loves him and is there to support him, to help him, to teach him. I told him that, yes, indeed, SmallBoy needs extra. He doesn't require round the clock supervision, he's perfectly capable, but there are times when he needs guidance, someone to help him understand something or to explain why something metaphorical is just that, a metaphor, not something concrete. He needs someone to watch over him and make sure that he does follow all of the steps for washing his hands or for taking a shower. He needs love, he needs guidance, he needs everything that any other child needs, just sometimes, in greater proportions.

He ended the conversation, clearly upset that I held my own, knew my stuff, and that I was completely calm (thanks to a lot of deep breathing - I knew Lamaze would come in useful for something), by saying, "Well, I have to think about this."

I'm waiting. I know he's going to pull this crap again. SmallBoy starts his art class up again this afternoon and I have to call and make sure that Ex will pick him up to take him (he's forgotten him before, leaving SmallBoy in tears). Next time he says he can't take SmallBoy for the weekend anymore, I'm calling in the big guns. No more Mrs. Nice Guy. I let him walk all over me in the divorce and total screw up my finances...well, I will NOT let him mess with my children. So there!


PM said...

Go Get him, GIRL!!! If you don't fight for your kids and protect your kids, no one else will.

It amazes me that he just gets dumber and more idiotic by the day. Just when you think he can't top himself, he does!!!! He never ceases to amaze me.

Octoberbabies said...


Thank God, THANK GOD for PC!!!

Felicity said...

Good for you, with your new tough attitude. Your ex does seem like an ass! I was young and nice during my first marriage but upon leaving became a rabid pit bull for my daughter. Ex always seems surprised by this--even after 12 yrs of divorce. I'm like, "Muthafucka, I'll disembowel you over this kid if I need to." I come across very mean (New Wife calls me "Evil Serpent" but you know what? She's my kid. I'll fight for her.

gretchen said...

I have often said that I'm SO glad Bill's ex-wife lives several states away and we don't have to interact with her too much. I know that it's really a shame for Kate to not see her mom as much, but I think it eliminates a lot of stress.

What is his wife like? Do your kids like her ok? Is the weirdness about the baby coming from him or his wife? Thank goodness so many kids of divorce have at least ONE decent parent!

mommyguilt said...

PM - Thanks Girlfriend! I had a feeling I'd hear from you on this one! Oh, btw, your #2 blondie did very well at the Pinewood Derby. We cheered loudly for him!

As I told Felicity, now that Mr. lovely obviously shows no signs of wanting custody of the children, guess what....it's time for me to be the mean one...to use her words, "Muthafucka, I'll disembowel you over this kid if I need to." He's SO done!

Gretchen: I WISH my ex lived even in the next town...NO..he lives 4 blocks away! YIKES His wife is great. I keep wondering, "What was she thinking?", but he did to her what he did to me...knocked her up - you think he would have learned about birth control by NOW! The kids like her, her daughter is just a couple months older than Girl, they go to the same school. The baby stuff....well, she works in the NICU at a hospital and sees all kinds of terrible things, so part of it could stem from that, with Ex building on it and exacerbating it.

Sal: Yes, indeed, Thank GOD for PC! He is more of a father to my kids than their DNA will ever be!

Mom to Mr. Handsome said...

Thank God smallboy has one awesome parent! Some people just don't get it. Some never will.


Laura said...

Thank goodness my husband and his first wife never had children. I couldn't stand to deal with her on a regular basis. You are doing what is right for your kids, and that is fabulous. You go, girl!

Also, did you know that PC and I are Trophy Spouses? Hee.

Kristina Chew said...

Yes---time to be Mrs. Bad Gal. You know who needs taking care of first.

Eileen said...

Good thing he has a good Mom and StepDad who understand him at least.

mommyguilt said...

Kristin: You're absolutely right, some people just never will get it, but it's really sad when some of those people are the parents of an ASD child. It just seems so....well, wrong.

Laura: You're too cute...yes, PC is younger - and has MUCH better hair than I (tee hee)

Kristina: Yes, yes...the gloves are coming off now! No more being walked on...not when it comes to the children.

Eileen: Yes, I am truly grateful that I am his mom and not someone else...poor guy..I can't imagine if he had TWO parents who didn't get it. Instead he's got a wonderful family that does, and only one moron that doesn't.

LJCohen said...

It sounds like it's a good thing he's your *ex*, particularly as far as smallboy is concerned. Sigh. You're doing all the right things.


ps--thank you for the lovely comments on my blog!

mommyguilt said...

Thanks, L. Always good to hear these things from other parents. Makes me a bit more confident and knowledgeable when I stand up to him for my SmallBoy. Thanks for stopping in!

kyra said...

GRRR!!! that makes me so upset!!! i am SO PROUD of you and the way you held your own. YES! you do know your stuff and more than that, you are advocating for your child with love strength and much passion. i cannot, for the life of me, get why this man doesn't take the time to learn about his OWN SON. maybe what you said will get through? i applaud you and send cheers for smallboy.

mommyguilt said...

Thanks Kyra! You know, the REALLY unbelievable thing about him is that I could take all of my blog friends AND our kids and put us all in one room with him and he'd think that we were all just putting on an act and it was a bunch of BS. Hell, he didn't even believe what SmallBoy's behavioral therapist told him when she was explaining to him EXACTLY what Asperger's is and everything that goes with it. He truly IS an idiot.

And to quote the old Bartyles & James commercials, "thank you for your support."

Cheryl said...

Whatever you do, SUPPORT!

marti said...

Grief and ignorance, self-centeredness and egotism. I believe these words about sum up your Ex. Thank god MY cousin isn't like that ... tee hee hee, since I don't even know him. Keep fighting. SmallBoy is worth every ounce you have.