Wednesday, August 03, 2005

"Vanity" Be My Name

I have no excuses. I am naturally a vain person who ignores all but my husband and my children. Oh, and I hardly ever see them either, as I am now working two jobs since my ex has left me completely broke and is refusing to help pay for any of Boy's high school or any of SmallBoy's testings, therapies, and multiple other doctor's visits, thus leaving me with a continual stream of calls and voicemails at home AND at work from all of the creditors to whom I owe scads of money and who are threatening to take my firstborn if I don't pay the gazillion dollars that I owe them. My husband is also going to be taking on a second job also, to help pick up the slack where StupidHead Ex is leaving off for his new family. My one night out with any friends is band rehearsal night or school supply purchase night...which, by the way, is probably going to have to be rescheduled so that I can find time to squeeze in a doctor's visit to make sure that I don't have strep throat.

I am, I admit, confess, and feel terrible about, neglecting my dearest friends - those who stood by my side and held my hand while I walked through Hell and back. It is not, however, because I got married. I have left choir, which pains me greatly, not because of any issues other than a complete lack of time. I will soon be neglecting my children as this second job is going to take my time away from them, also, especially once school starts. I will be missing homework time, dinner time, tuck into bed time, sports time, movie time, just plain hangout time.

My friends and family have always been the first to tell me that I need to have some "me" time and not always worry about the "make everybody else happy" time. Apparently, no one told me that having "me" time ticks off a lot of people, especially when that time is beyond difficult to come by. I promised to help a friend out last night and find something that is buried somewhere in the pit of my back porch - which I also have neglected and not cleaned out in forever. Why? Because I haven't any free time. I did not get a chance to call my friend back and tell her that I didn't get a chance to look for it because my throat was so swollen and my neck so stiff, that I took some aspirin and crashed for the night.

I've tried. Honestly. I AM trying and certainly am not, as has been implied, writing off my friends due to my marriage. I know that all of my friends are working their behinds off also, and have time for friends in addition to marriage, children, and jobs. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to manage to find this "me" time, and, perhaps, sleep, without ticking off any more of my friends and without sacrificing the one thing that I have all to myself - sleep ( a commodity which is also in short supply)? I'd love to hear them.


PM said...

Please, girlfriend, a true and real friend understands and would not exert any additional pressure or stress on you. In fact, a true friend might offer to help you or drop off dinner or abscound with the kids for a couple hours.

By the way, anyone who has the nerve to criticize you should be struck by lightning. They have no idea, concept or understanding of what your life is like.

I, too, have lost all contact with friends do to my life (good and bad)decisions. And "me" time, I don't even know what that is. And, what I tell myself, is that it's just not my time right now. You know what they say, every dog has it's day...It's just not my day, month, year or decade......yet! But, I will have it.

I, too, can't answer my phone because of creditors. My ex doesn't like to reimburse me for expenses. I'm still trying to pay the bills in order to save Son #1's life. Ex ---- clueless. so, what else is knew.

Hang in there. It will get better; I just don't know when.

Love you.

mommyguilt said...

Thanks Girlfriend. And believe me, I KNOW that you understand this whole concept. And I think that is why, regardless of how much we see each other, time we spend together, etc...we are still very good friends!