Friday, October 07, 2005

Things That Help

Though not at church every Sunday, I have a great deal of faith. I have to. I need someone to guide me through this ASD thing with SmallBoy. Thankfully I have a tremendously supportive family and lots of ASD moms out there to chat with, but sometimes I need a little more to go on.

Two and a half years ago when I was going through my divorce with Ex, I realized that if I was going to get through that Hell, I needed to surrender and just let things run as they sort of set things in God's hands and trust that all would be ok. No, that doesn't mean I gave up the fight, it means that I stopped fighting with ME. I do the same thing with SmallBoy. I need a little more something from somewhere to get through watching my sweet little boy go through all of these struggles, knowing that he is well aware of the difference between himself and the other kids. I hate this ASD as much as any other mother dealing with it, but to get myself through sometimes, I've just got to believe that there is a reason for everything.

Apparently I inadvertently offended and terribly upset another ASD mom, for which I apologize again. My comment to her, as she was having a particularly rough go of it, was that I believe - and truly I do - that there is a reason that we were chosen to be the mothers to our ASD kids. Sure, we may not see it now, nor care to see it now. We may fight it with everything we've got, but think about it. Just the thought that my SmallBoy could have been a child to some other parents who just wouldn't understand, who would think he's just "freakish" or weird, or stupid, and wouldn't think to get him the help he needs, well, that thought breaks my heart. I'm not saying this is an easy walk through life, it sure as hell isn't that. I am saying that I believe that there is a reason that SmallBoy and I were paired up as mother and son - call it God, call it Karma, call it Fate, call it timing...whatever you will, but he's my SmallBoy and no one else's for a reason.

I hate this stupid autistic spectrum and everything that goes along with it. I hate that SmallBoy cannot do well with change. I hate that when he goes to Ex's house, like he will this weekend, he totally misbehaves - because he can't adjust to the change, and then comes home and misbehaves until he readjusts again. I cannot stand that his father doesn't understand why this happens and just says he's acting up. I hate that it's oh so hard for him to do simple things - like throw and catch and run, and make friends. I hate that I have to take him to behavioral therapy to teach him how to cope when he's frustrated or sad. I hate that I have to work to pay for all of these things....I would much rather be home taking care of him and helping him learn all of these things that he needs. I hate that he's not like the rest of the kids. But I love him dearly and I wouldn't trade him for the world. He is MY SmallBoy and I'm his mom. I can't imagine my life without him.


Eileen said...

I feel the same way. God has some bigger plan and there has to be a reason he blessed us with Andrew. ASD is hard, but loving him is easy!

marti (standing still for once) said...

I encourage you to look into RDI -- see the website . This has made all the difference with Child. And, I concur on everything you said. I now facilitate an autism support group, helping other moms along this journey. I am giving back because of the experience we've had. There are reasons we cannot know. It sucks, but it's true.

Katie said...

Give them all hugs for me. I really miss you guys.
Lots of love,