Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Here We Go 'Round The Mulberry Bush

Guess what! I know you've missed them. It's time, once again, to rant about Ex. Oh yes, he has returned from the hole in which he's been hiding. I thought that perhaps he was coming around a bit. No, no, I'd never expect a complete turn around, change of heart, thinking how smart I was to leave him because he was a total and complete ass, that would be WAY too much to wish for in one lifetime. I just thought that maybe he had finally backed off and was maybe, kinda sorta considering, just maybe seeing SmallBoy again and was going to leave us alone.

Boy, was I wrong. I give to you an abridged version of my journal post - only because if I rewrite it, I will get so worked up about it that I'll probably explode here in my office. My desk is glass, it wouldn't be a pretty sight. PM, Girlfriend, let's do that chat thing again soon. I'll fire you off an email in a bit. Ok, so here it is:

Journal Entry

On Saturday, Ex called and asked me if I had claimed the kids on my 2005 tax returns. I told him that I would have to check them and get back in touch with him. That was not a satisfactory answer for him and he demanded that I answer him immediately. I told him that was impossible. His response, then, was the beginning of the tirade that has been whirling itself into a storm with hurricane force winds since.

He began by stating that he checked the divorce agreement and that I was only entitled to claim one of the children, SmallBoy, specifically, as a deduction. I told him that since the agreement was modified at the end of the two years following the divorce, as per the agreement, that I was now entitled to all three children. He said he would need to consult “his accountant” further. He said to me that he would not be paying any of the fines or penalties for this, because “his accountant” told him it was my fault.

I remained calm and told him that I would not be doing anything until I found my returns and, that, if it turns out that, indeed, it is my responsibility, I would take care of paying out whatever was necessary. He, then, changed gears and calmly said to me, “Well, no one has to do anything, you don’t have to pay me anything. We just have to write an addendum to the IRS explaining the situation.” Fine. I was satisfied with that. That would mean that whether or not this was my error or his, this was the end of that and all would be settled.

Nope. I heard nothing from him on Sunday, but yesterday, he called and left a message on my cell phone saying that he, again, had consulted his attorney and that I needed to get this taken care of as soon as possible, because this was going to be amounting heavy fines and late fees, which he has no intention of paying. He said that he had checked the divorce agreement and that according to [it] he has the right to claim LargeBoy & Girl, and I get SmallBoy.

I knew exactly to where he was referring. I went and looked back at my documentation and found the exact paragraph where it says, basically, that while I was receiving
unallocated support and maintenance, upon which I was paying taxes since it was unallocated, he was correct in his interpretation I also looked further down the page to where it stated that upon termination of the unallocated support and maintenance, that we would review the allocation of the right to claim which child(ren).

I then referred to the document that we signed, drawn up by HIS attorney, in January of 2005, and entered into court stating that he was no longer paying me unallocated support and maintenance, but a considerably smaller amount in child support –
NOT unallocated. This was when the number of children we claim was changed.

He screamed that he never signed such a document and he disputed its validity and told me that it was all bullshit and I was making up lies. I told him that I was looking at his signature on the agreement that HE worked out with HIS attorney. He left it with “Well, this isn’t the end of that. I never signed that. Was [my terrible attorney for the divorce] in on this crap?” I told him no. This document was written up by HIS attorney, worked up with HIM and that all I did was read it and sign it. He hung up on me.

When the phone rang 3 minutes later, he made no mention of the fact that he had been incorrect about anything. He just hammered into me that, in fact, [the agreement] said that “upon termination of unallocated maintenance and child support payments”…He said to me that he checked with his attorney, who, I might add, is the godmother of the new baby, and that I was wrong. He said that indeed the unallocated maintenance had been terminated, but not the child support. That as long as it said “child support” and not “support”, that I was wrong, he was right.

I tried to calmly explained the error of his ways and that it was for maintenance and child support; it was one LUMP sum that I received. It was not designated, allocated, as one thing or the other. The term encompassed both the maintenance AND the child support. The termination of that meant that he was no longer paying me an unallocated sum of money each week and was now paying strictly child support – that the money I received each week was, in fact, allocated as child support.

He still didn’t get it. He said that was bullshit, that his attorney told him that as long as he is paying child support the tax agreement is in effect, that the paragraph about the effects upon termination of the unallocated maintenance and child support said “child support,”….he kept hammering away on this. He was not getting the picture that when he no longer is required to pay child support that it won’t matter who claims the children, because neither of us will be.

The conversation began to get incredibly ugly at this point. He made some serious threats against me (not physical, but serious) if I did not pay him immediately, because he refused to pay the penalties and fines. He said he was proceeding with actions immediately and calling his accountant. He said that he refused to let me get away with this “kind of bullshit,” because I’m just trying to “squeeze more money than I deserve” out of him.

Ok, readers, exhale here, take a new breathe, and hold....

I reminded him that what he pays for child support is barely enough to cover one child’s expenses, let alone three – and one who needs extra "services". He, of course, defaulted to, “Hey, I pay the minimum that the law says I have to pay and that’s 32%. That’s what YOU get. If you’re so poor and broke, then how come you went to the Rolling Stones concert? How could you afford those tickets? Huh? Where did you get the money for those? Did you use the money I give you for the kids?”

I didn’t justify him by defending anything or arguing. That was back in January. He must have been stewing over that for a LONG time. I could have thrown back that he goes on vacations all the time, sends the kids to concerts, built a deck on his house and re-sided his house. I could have asked where he gets all that money. I could have alerted him to the fact that I am entitled to part of his wife’s salary in addition, but I didn’t. I stayed cool.

Not getting the rise out of me that he wanted, he played the tax fraud card again. He told me I was committing tax fraud AND violating the divorce agreement. I was done. I couldn’t keep biting my tongue. I also had to fight for SmallBoy. The gloves were off, but I was classy about it. I reminded him that at the time of the divorce he made almost three times as much money as I did, and I’m only seeing a tiny bit of it. I reminded him that when we renegotiated the figures, I didn’t fight, though I should have, for more child support. He, of course, said that didn’t matter, that he has to work overtime to get that extra money and I’m not entitled to his overtime anyway. I said that he makes more per hour than I do, quite a bit more, to be exact. I advised him that I was married to him long enough to know that he gets a raise every June and that amounts to a lot more than when we divorced. He said it didn’t matter, that I wasn’t getting any of it.

I also reminded him that HE was violating the divorce agreement by not taking SmallBoy. I didn’t delve any further into all of the emotional damage he is causing his son, the emotional abuse and abandonment. He bullied me, threatened me, attempted to blackmail me into removing the “emotional abuse” grounds out of our divorce agreement. Back to SmallBoy. He said he checked with his “experts,” and he was doing nothing wrong. I didn’t take it anywhere, because that’s an argument for another time. My guess is that he talked to someone who is not familiar with what’s going on, nor with SmallBoy, and said that he felt SmallBoy was a danger to New (almost 18mos old) Baby, and that person, being totally ignorant of the situation, said that he was perfectly within his limits. This is the same man who has made no attempts, nor desires to make any attempts, to become educated about Asperger’s Syndrome and other ASDs. The same man who refuses to come to OT sessions, that our OT saw at the bar down the street after our OT session when she went to go get some food. The same man who doesn’t know his son because he won’t spend any time with him. The same man who told his son that he can’t come back over to his house until he
stops Being a LIAR.

I finished the conversation with, “Ok, write up the information, the fees, where things need to go and give it to me.” I did not say that I was going to pay it. I have every intention of being armed and ready with an attorney. I may pay it forward so that we don’t have to worry about it, but then go back into court and get this taken care of once and for all. I’m done.
Mama Bear has to fight for her cubs, and I’ll be damned if we get stuck because he refuses to take care of the children.

His sole objective is to leave me broke as punishment for divorcing him. He never once considers the children. Just SMALLBOY alone is not covered by what he gives me per week. He refuses to pay for high school fees and costs because, “it’s not in the agreement.” He doesn’t help pay any of the incidentals – field trips, donations to school for out of uniform days, donations to the teachers’ gift funds, anything for the cub scouts (SmallBoy couldn’t go to camp last year because we couldn’t afford it), donations to the Christmas Angels programs in which both Girl & SmallBoy are required to participate for their classrooms, mandatory fund raising programs at the school. He also insists that Girl play sports, softball included, yet refuses to pay any portion of the overwhelming fees because, “it’s not in the agreement, and therefore, I don’t have to.”

I’m getting entirely too worked up at the moment, so I’m going to end this entry. However, I know that this is not over and we will be hearing more from Ex on this subject.

Ok, Dad, unclench your fists. PM, let's chat. Mom, exhale. Meem, FIL - I applaud you both for having raised such a wonderful man as PC. He truly deserves to be called a real dad. I know how much my children love him.

Anyone else have any thoughts or just your basic comment of "What a F#*!%ng A**%&!#"? I am going to have a very productive workout this afternoon and put "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera on terminal repeat:

After all of the stealing and cheating you probably think that I hold resentment for you
But uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
Cause if it wasnt for all that you tried to do, I wouldnt know
Just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you
Cause it
Makes me that much stonger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for makin me a fighter

So, now I want you to go to yesterday's post, look at the pics and have a great laugh! Look forward to another post, probably tomorrow, though, about Girl's award. GO GIRL!


Roni said...

When Amy was in town earlier this month, we chatted with some women in college. Amy gave them some sage advice, "Don't marry anyone you wouldn't want to be divorced from."

I soooo feel for you. *hugs*

mommyguilt said...

No Kidding! I also recommend not getting married until at least age 30.

kyra said...

my god! you know how infuriated i get when i hear these ex stories! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH THAT MAN?$A&*$&^%*@!

i feel for you. i really do. but you handled yourself beautifully. and you are so very THERE for your kids. and you've created a loving safe nurturing FUN home for your family.

what a great workout song! maybe i ought to download it?

Melissa P. said...

You REALLYneed to take him back to court for more support.
Especially now that you have small boy 100% of the time, the court will grant you more support for that reason alone.
Stop being nice and go get him!
He deserves it and more.
He is a cruel father to his son.
Time to be in charge of the situation and not him.

mommyguilt said...

Thanks, Melissa! Thanks, Kyra! Duh! Big head smack, why didn't I think of that - if he refuses his son, yes, then, I DO have him 100%. They need to give me full custody and more support! I LOVE having you guys!

gretchen said...

Yes, Melissa makes a good point. There are certain grounds under which child support can be amended (and HIS having another child is not one of them.)

I am consistently amazed at all the perfect people who are divorced from crazy people! (You and my husband being 2 that come to mind.) Keeping a cool tone and not rising to the bait are my husband's biggest assets when it comes to his crazy ex. Sounds like you are good at that also- it just makes them more and more crazy!

PM said...

I don't even know where to begin...I have to tell you the one thing that screams at me and I don't know if there is anything legal that can be done.....His attorney needs to be removed. She is much too close to him in a weird, perverse way. Don't you think it's odd that she is Godmother to his child when this child has 2 sisters plus Aunts?!!! Obviously, I am not an attorney but isn't it becoming a conflict of interest? If I were Ex's new wife and attorney's hubby, I think I would be raising an eyebrow to it all.

Yes, let's chat.

Melissa P. said...

The only reason I know about the 100%of the time, is that my ex husband was made by a judge to pay me more for my sons, since he does not ever have them
He makes rude and upsetting comments all the time.
Total jerk, yes!

mommyguilt said...

PM - not only that, but attorney was Girl's confirmation sponsor (I let her pick though, long story), but yes if this goes further, she will be asked to not be on the case and, if she takes it, will most definitely be a conflict of interest. Knowing JP, though, I don't think she will. She wasn't going to take the divorce, way back when, if he got ugly(er) with it.

Melissa - I'm sorry that you have a reason for knowing about the 100%. What a jerk - yup. I agree. However, I'm grateful that you shared your knowledge & wisdom with me.

Cheryl said...

So, if I am right, he tried to emotionally abuse you into, amongst other things, removing allegations of what, oh, emotional abuse?